In The Life of

Here is a writing that is an attempt to integrate the various parts of myself that I value, but until now, have kept relatively segregated. Out of convenience, out of social pressure, out of my own journey, out of well, just not knowing how they all fit together. Folks keep telling me that I’m 賢い, and yes, I believe I am, but I’m currently figuring out how all my 賢い parts fit together. So I’m gonna try to put into writing some major thoughts that concern me, the stuff that folks don’t hear, but that I think anyway.

Learning and educati(on)(ing) drive me. I’ve taken this as a granted in my life, something I now do not question as much, but rather push to my limits and challenge myself to well, be myself. My sexuality. A jumbled mess according to social classifications and stagnant invariable ways of understanding fluidity. But to me, it’s how I better understand my attractions to all types of people. I’m aware of the social roles I must play, but I don’t always, actually rarely, play them. Language. I love it. Expression is a beautiful form of engaging with the potential of peoplekind, and being able to relate to one another in a variety of languages (cuz no single one is perfect) is grand.

This means in application for me in my life: When I’m talking to little ones, I try not to police their language, I try not to police their gender, I try and let them be kids, be people, and grow to realize their own potential and pursue the things they love. I’m there to help them understand what’s already in place, but also to help guide them to discover themselves better and hopefully to instill a sense of self-trust in themselves. This means that I don’t want them to be like me, I want them to be like them. We may share many commonalities, and there is a lot to be said about beautiful collectivism, but you are the only one who feels what you feel and who knows what you know.

Language. It means I study kanji hardcore. It means that when I think in Japanese, I think in kanji. Attaching symbols to the words I say, the names I remember, the places I go, and the things I do. I love that writing is an artform, and I love that I’m able to function in this way. Many times, when I don’t understand a word, I ask what the kanji looks like, and voila! I get it, instantly. I kind of work backwards like that. Which leads me to my next point.

My sexuality. Language is a beautiful thing. It allows people to trust you, it can make them more attracted to you (if only by the simple fact that you are less imposing), and when used properly, words are very good aphrodisiacs, the best kind I would argue. This means that in any language, I can be attracted to folks. Even if it’s one I don’t necessarily speak. A ton can be said for body language, winking eyes, proximity, general physical attraction, and a genuine willingness to learn about each other.

There’s also something to be said about what society would term my “gender dysphoria” or rather the fact that depending on my mood, the hour, or anything more arbitrary, my “gender identity” changes just as quickly as my moods. This means I go from “straight male” to “gay” to “bi” to “lesbian” to “straight female” to “nothing at all” within the same day. Because I am myself, this means I throw people for loops sometimes. It’s not rare that I’m called “she” and the sayer won’t correct themselves. It’s even more common with little ones to ask me if I’m a boy or a girl. But rather than be confusing for me, to me it’s just the way I express myself, it’s just how I feel, and I’ve learned a long time ago that you don’t get to choose your emotions. Definitely, your environment can influence them greatly, but ultimately, it is a pot of random wildcards that pour out of you. So, what I do is well, feel. I let them come out, surface, analyze my surroundings and then act on my emotions according to my constraints. I rarely try to suppress them, and more times than not, this has led to a very pleasant, casual, low stress, good mental health kind of life for me. Of course there are hiccups, but this is just part of the process.

So within five minutes I go from thinking about my gender, organizational culture, what games I can play in class to help learning, what exercise I can do to keep active, what really turned me on about that person I saw/met the other day, what a beautiful island I live on, what I want to cook for lunch/dinner/breakfast, whether I will take a bath or shower, what I want to study, what the kanji for this person’s name is, what the kanji for this word is, what the kanji looked like in ancient times, what I would tell my grandma in Spanish if she was here, wow, my grandpa really is gone, what are my siblings/parents/friends in San Antonio up to right now, how are my grandparents on my dad’s side, to how is everything I do an expression of my inner beauty.

But I will tell you one thing, I’m getting better at expressing myself. Being able to express myself as an individual, while at the same time working towards collective harmony. It’s a great feeling to teach young ones, and then be able to see and value the potential impacts you’ve made in their lives, and the potential impacts you’ve made in their world. After all, it was one Japanese teacher who happened to pass away that changed my life forever. And I hope that my lessons will help my students be better at being themselves, be better at listening to their hearts, be better at looking at the bigger picture, and be better at being people while having compassion for one another. And that keeps me strong, keeps me from falling privy to silly social categories like gender, primary language, or ideals. Because like everything else, I am evolving, I am changing every day, and rather than resist all of that, I take what I’ve learned from the past, do my best with what I have in the present, and hope that I will be able to make a subtle but dynamic impact in the future. We’re all worth something, and this pedagogy drives why I am nice to people, even when nobody else likes them, why my teaching also extends to adults and not just children, and why even in the worst scenarios, I still say “oh well” and keep on with the flow. No wonder they say I’m so damn 賢い. And all the jigsaw pieces that are my life are finally starting to fall into place and create a beautifully complex yet quite simple puzzle.