The not so good stuff

I've done this whole living overseas thing enough to realize that it can be a process of ups and downs and all the good and not so good stuff. So today, I'll write about the not so good stuff. About the ugly emotional side of living in a land you may not have been socialized into, and therefore at times a bit difficult to adjust to. So now I will rant a bit about living in the beautiful boonies on an isolated island in Japan. Before I start, please do not take this post as me hating the island or my experience here or that I want everything to change in an instant or to change at all. Bumps are normal, and I'm just venting, so before you get all radical on me and tell me to just pack up an leave then, just realize that this is my counting to 10 process before I feel safe again, and happy. So bear with me.

My body is physically sick of eating animal based broths and fish being in foods. Now, I don't eat many processed foods, at all. I don't eat school lunch because I make my own lunch because school lunches are not (I've never seen/heard of) vegetarian. I still get asked almost daily if I eat meat, chicken, fish, pork, egg. I've explained that I don't eat anything that was walking around and living or flying (I'm running out of creative answers) and that I still drink milk, but no egg. Still, I get the same questions from the same people, as if one day I will convert back, or as if I just converted back yesterday, I mean what the hell is wrong with me, how could I NOT like meat, and how could I NOT like fish?

Well, let's flush out some reasons as to why I don't eat meat (many of which I've shared with coworkers, but still...). First and foremost, I'm not a fan of killing animals for mass people consumption. It's just something I'm not really okay with spiritually, emotionally, and any other ly you can think of. Now, I am okay with folks eating animal, but I think everyone should slaughter the cow/chicken/turkey/fish their delicious meal came from. And I know many people who can and do do that. And it tends to be that the people who do this, aren't overconsumers, tend to respect food much more, and understand that one life was being given to nourish another. Although it's not the own personal journey I want to take, I respect their choice and I have no issue with this type of animal product eating. It isn't excessive.

Now let me rant about my island (and the larger country in the process). Trust me, the U.S. is worse, but that's another topic.

I made the decision when I was moving back to Japan that I would begin to do broths again, only at restaurants/dinners I was invited to. That I would drink the broth from soups, but not the meat. So, I do drink broth at restaurants, and with shared pots of food, I eat the veggies and other non-meat products, even if they were boiled in beef or other broth. If you've ever lived in Japan, and especially if you've lived on this island, you'd understand my decision to do this. It's the lesser of the evils in the starve and offend, or eat and maintain the peace game. Asking at a restaurant if I can get it without fish/animal broth would be a million questions, a trillion apologies, a google of inconveniences, incessant bowing, smiling, make me want to puke apologizing, all to get the final answer of "no" in very creative roundabout ways. But I knew this coming back to Japan and hence why I made the decision to do broth when I eat out (which isn't all that common actually...)

But now, I'm a little frustrated with the food again (it's that time for me, it happened when I was an exchange student, I've lived it and realized how emotionally taxing it can be on me, and thus I write to relieve the pain).

I'm not sure about you, but cooking for me is a very intense emotional process. It isn't just about eating for me, it's about cooking, it's about meditation, it's about culture, it's about nourishment and all that good stuff. But now, I'm getting a bit ticked with all the hidden stuff. Like sugar in packaged beans, fish in salad dressing (that's vinegar based!), and signs that say vegetables only but are sprinkled with bits of fish. After all, fish grows on trees in Japan it seems, and especially on this island.

But I knew all of this before I came. I know I knew, but like I said before, I'm simply ranting. My body is physically sick of fuckin' broth. I can't even do that anymore. It grosses me out. You may ask me why it's such a big deal because I myself made the decision to do broth. I'm not so much upset about that as much as by the lack of options and how trapped I feel now when it comes to cooking at times. When I say fish is in everything, I mean every paste, every dressing, on fried tofu skin, on every product, sprinkled on rice, vegetables, appetizers, everything, and in the most hidden of ways. It's hard to escape fish. (and not shockingly Japan is the top consumer per capita of fish, I wonder why...). It's in the "vegetable only" tempura I buy, bite into, and realize there was crafty fish flakes and fins hidden in the middle. Let me remind you, I speak and can read Japanese, but not every product (especially "in store" or "fresh made") will disclose fish in their ingredients. I was shocked that the dressing I bought had fish in it. I bought it because it was vinegar based and I like the plant it's made with, and then at the very bottom there's the kanji for bonito fish, after I pour it on my salad...

Anyway, for me food is crucial. It helps with my emotions, it helps keep me happy, and right now, I'm hating all the fish product and the lack of options I have. As much as I love vegetables and tofu, I'm tired of milk and tofu being my only protein source and my school lunch consisting of bland boiled vegetables cuz I can't find stuff for good salsas or spices here. I miss my pinto beans (not that sweet shit, which I love in sweets, but not with meals), my corn tortillas (which combined with beans is a complete protein). I miss making calabzitas with tomato and onions and spices and cheese. I miss my fresh chiles, my fresh homemade salsas, fresh herbs such as mint and cilantro, but most of all, I miss GOOD spicy food. Even though I stocked up heartily the month before I left, I'm really missing it right now, especially with the shitty ass weather that just hasn't gone away since December. That and I miss cumbias on the radio, dancing in public for no reason, not having to watch annoying high pitched commercials on youtube to get to videos (cuz my region automatically goes to Japan and Japanese commercials are in my opinion very annoying), and not having to smile when I don't fuckin' feel like it, and not being asked whether that girl I hang out with at the bar is my girlfriend (she's my fuckin' friend, and we like to drink, I don't like her like that...), and whether I eat fish/meat/pork/chicken/egg/animal even though I clearly state that I don't eat things that were once living (in Japanese translates to well, animal). I need rudeness, I need directness, I need "NO" not "yeah, yeah," then hours later a no in the form of folks not doing it or following through or your question never being answered.

But I'm okay, I know what to expect emotionally, and that this'll pass, and I'm a strong one that handles the punches as they're thrown very well. So don't think I'm in a stoop of forever depression or that I'm severely depressed, it's not like that at all. I just needed to breathe, and my keyboard was the closest thing to be able to express the rant I needed to come out. And there you go, there's the ugly side of living overseas sometimes. And that's alright, now if only I could get some sun and warmer weather, I'll be back to my neurotically crazy self again. For now, I'm so glad I brought back a whole bunch of good wine from Busan last time I went. Great decision. ha. That and blasting cumbias on my awesome speakers.