Purpose

This week has felt a bit overwhelming with having seven schools. Although I didn't go to all of them this week, I found it particularly difficult to cope this week with having so many students.

I'm a creature that values deep relationships and having lots of time for those you really care about. And though I've gotten pretty good at establishing deep relationships with more and more people, I find it difficult in this position to establish these sorts of relationships.

Everyone seems so busy all the time. I barely ever see any of my teachers breathe, I don't think any of them ever poop or yawn either (joking). This week I just sort of felt a tad bit useless. I know I'm not, and I know I have great ideas, but I guess this week was the week of only ideas with little to no implementation.

I'll be honest, I don't feel like I have much support from many of my teachers. And it's not them trying to be mean to me or not caring about their students' education. It stems from a lack of training and any clearly defined goals as to what my position entails. In other words, they have little to no clue how I in my current job position should be fitted into their curriculum and what goals they should have when it concerns me.

The Japanese system is a very strict system in general. It was a bit different at my smaller schools (now closed), but overall, through my conversations with other folks and with undergoing the system in high school, and with my current position, I feel like the Japanese system is very much in for a huge shock very soon. This is the case in many post-industrial nations, where the education systems were created to create roles for people to basically do and make stuff, but now that all that stuff has been done and so much has been made, many of these nations are using a very outdated system. And it's making us apathetic, but we stick to it like flies on shit.

One thing that has been bothering me is all the roadblocks I have come up against. Funding is always a problem. So our schools have very few resources in general, and are very scant with anything that I can use in my job. The other issue is time. Even if I were to make all my resources (which I am in the process of doing) it is very time consuming to coordinate all your time and resources around 7 different schools. In other words, I will now carry a bag full of teaching goodies to help teach my students on those rare opportunities that I actually get to teach a whole lesson and not be a human tape recorder, and I think I'm going to start leaving the textbooks at home, their absolutely awful anyway.

It's a tad disheartening for me too. Because when I was younger, I loved school. I would wake up excited because I wanted to go and learn and do stuff, figure stuff out, solve great puzzles, and keep my curiosity going. But now that I've seen my students move up a grade, it becomes a bit sad at how many of them are just being pushed through the system and so many of them are falling through the cracks. It seems many education systems are built around the ideals and values of rules. And not rules as in general guidelines, but rules as in strict processes that should never be swayed and should never be broken, even if they are wrong. And so this week, I felt for my students, I can feel their apathy growing, I can literally see their smiles fade as the system takes them from curious young ones who love learning to obedient citizens taught never to question higher powers.

And then comes my role. I'm here to push to build bridges between the many different cultures that exist. But I find it hard to build bridges when nobody is willing to help. I cannot build a bridge by myself. And many times I have asked for help on my bridge, have received agreement that they would help, and have been left to hang high and dry. This seems like the only thing I can depend on sometimes.

And it gets a tad bit frustrating, because the system begins to make you feel powerless, it tells you to just give in like everyone else. It tells you that indeed being a "teacher" is not hard. You follow rules and curriculum, you look busy all the time, you never question the purpose of the education system you live in, and you get paid. All to do it all over again week after week after week until your creativity is on its last surviving flame, until you become so apathetic that the smallest insignificant thing is the highlight of your day, and until it feels like you are no longer breathing for yourself, but are being told how to live.

But somehow, I could just never give into the masses. I've never been able to not think for myself. I've never been willing to allow my creativity to be hindered, and I've never been afraid to have fun and take charge of my own life. This doesn't require stepping on other peoples' toes to get only what you want. Rather, it requires you to think hard and come up with creative solutions to achieve common goals with other. When we step away from the ideas of what we have to do because we are told, and begin to think of the things that could be possible if we didn't have to worry, then we're tapping into the greatness of what it is to be a sentient being. The fact that you can feel these great emotions and be on the best rollercoaster of your life, called life, is what I want for all of my students to be able to experience.

So I won't become a pawn, I will push back, if even slowly. I will encourage my students, because they keep my energy and hope up. I want them to live their lives as their own people while still being able to keep others in mind. Learning about yourself as an individual isn't selfish at all. In fact, it's much less selfish than being a social pawn worried about what others will think of you or who you will anger. Learning about yourself as an individual helps you grow, it helps you see how you can best serve society, it allows you to see all your strengths, to believe in yourself, and to be able to ask for help on things you may not be sure about. Ironically, developing yourself in order to help others is possibly the least egocentric thing one can do. And all of these thoughts run through my head as it seems many of my fellow teachers just go through the motions. But I've sparked a flame in some of them, and any great educator knows that lessons learned can take years, shit even generations, to have an impact. So for now, I will keep trying, I won't give up, I'll keep pushing in my own unique way. And hopefully we'll start seeing some change soon, less apathy, more good energy, less strict rules in the classroom. Now to figure out how I will try to accomplish all of this. Once you get a taste of what education could really be and how freakin awesome learning is, you don't go back to drinking sour water. Wish me luck!