Closing Shop

Had a great conversation with a good friend today. We got to talk about stuff we had both been thinking about for some time. It's always nice to know that you've got friends who are sharing a similar journey with you.

I've closed shop, I've closed it for me. I've closed it to see who will miss it, who will come looking for it, and who will come visit me after my shop is closed.

A large part of my life had been spent adapting to other people. It was something I had become naturally good at over time, a second nature. It had a ton to do with quite stressful situations growing up and a constantly changing environment daily. I led a very stressful childhood. Of course, there can always be worse, but I'll spare the fine details and say that the reason I'm so big on stability in my adult life is because I never had stability growing up.

Then recently, now that I have my own space and place, I got tired of this adapting. To me, it felt like I was constantly adapting because that was all I had ever known. Whether I wanted to or not, I always tried and put the needs of others in front of my own, even if just a little bit. Then I finally got fed up, and I sort of blew up internally.

Years of trying to serve others and take on their pain led to me projecting a personality that was someone who could handle anything. And while this is mostly true, it came at a great emotional cost to me. I lost sight of who I was as a person, I lost sight of my true passions in order to cater to the passions of others and help them grow even if it meant putting my growth on hold temporarily.

I tried to just forgo others in order to just be myself, to honestly just have a "fuck everyone" attitude. Yet this proved difficult, because I have never been the person who ever thought that anybody was just a "bad" person. So despite the way I felt inside and the way I felt like they treated me, much of the time I would just swallow it and push on and hope things would get better. This is when I became quite passive aggressive, and this became a huge part of my identity. I would bottle it all up, and then I would let it seep out so that it would affect nobody else but me. "It's okay" became a part of my daily vocabulary.

There were a ton of contributing factors to this. Things like not having any good role models growing up, or rather, being the eldest child in all of my extended family and thereofore me being the one to begin the example for a family that would grow exponentially very rapidly. I was just expected to fall into this role from the get go.I had a very early childhood defined by instability and not knowing where I was going to spend the night sometimes or when I would be going home. Every weekend was usually spent somewhere different. Even though I tried hard, I could never forget the vivid memories of pain that I experienced as a kid, the feelings of wanting stability and wishing that at least one week we would do the same predictable thing. It never happened. However, it was those memories that helped to strengthen my conviction and passion for who I am as an adult. This is part of the reason I am so driven and so hopeful, because I know the shit I went through was not the norm, and it made me really focus on what I thought was important while many of my peers worried about shit I thought was pointless. I thought about traveling the world, learning languages, and starting a family while many of my peers thought about a new toy or a new car or something.

Quite recently though, I sort of just stopped trying to nurture. I realized that just because I was so good at nurturing and could and would connect with others across the world if needed, I didn't want to do it. I did it because I felt obligated, not because I genuinely felt that's who I was. Now that I have my own space, I conscioulsy cut those connections I had, I softly snipped away at the many umbilical cords I felt I had carried much of my life. One reason was to see who would stick around, but another reason was to get rid of all the baggage I was carrying for others so they could deal with it and not me. It's never been mine to handle anyway.

Many may say this was self imposed, and yes to a great extent it was. But something that many folks don't realize about me is the tremendous family I have. There are probably about 100 members I consider my family, blood relatives that I interact with frequently enough. Maybe 30 or so of those I consider close family that I interact with constantly, on a weekly basis even.

I was born into quite a vibrant family, on all sides. Very full of life, but also full of big hearts that got stepped on a lot. I constantly felt like I was the most mature person in a group of adults, at least in the respect that I wasn't quick to judge before I had started talking smack about someone.

I could go on and on about the stuff that happened to me as a kid, it would wow even someone who isn't surprised by much. Just when their story sounds crazy, I can likely throw a wrench in the cog. But listing all the stuff is not the point of this blog.

I decided a few weeks ago that I was closing shop. And by closing shop, I mean that I was no longer going to be the loadbearer for anybody, including, especially family. It was too stressful, it was something that had been imposed on me at a very young age, was then expected of me, and that I had sort of just kept with me out of habit all these years. Then I decided I was done.

I wasn't viscious about it, I simply withdrew myself back into myself. I have an amazing energy that can be felt across the planet if I let it, especially when concerning loved ones. But I was done, I felt like it was time everyone grow up, but more importantly, that I go back to myself, the me I was before I had this capacity and was expected to use it because folks were not so good at handling their own problems. I got tired of being the stability for others that they could not find within themselves. Especially because it was to the point where I felt like people were dumping on me, then just leaving me. I was the one who had to deal with their garbage and sort it out as it affected me, and I'm just no longer interested in doing this, ever. Many folks I felt just expected me to use my big heart, but never expected to have to actually ask me if I was ever okay, and they could not read through my words of "I'm fine" when I really wasn't, and even many people who did care about me had no clue how to nurture me.

I pulled my energy back, and I brought my soul or whatever it is back into my body. It had been so used to traveling all over the place that at first I was confused what this feeling was. Then I remembered that this is how I felt as a kid, before I let all the crap adults did to my inner peace affect me. It was before I learned how to manipulate others in order to survive, how to lie with a smile so that I could actually get home that night if my dad was too drunk, or if I had no idea when my mom would pick me up. I got really good from a very early age at making people believe that I was completely fine internally. Really good, and even better as an adult. I learned how to lie with my eyes.

Coming here and being able to just be alone with myself for well over a year has been a blessing. It has helped me rediscover all the things I love about myself, my natural state that hasn't existed in its enirety in my adult life. It has given me back my curiosity for learning, my love for science, and a renewed appreciation for nature. I've also relearned my immense amount of patience, and how repeating patterns and using my hands are more than therapeutic for me, they are who I am. I like to create things, physical things, using my hands and body.

I always knew that there had been a part of me that could not be dealt with unless I was alone. Very dark thougths and memories that had I faced them in the company of others, they woud have worried about me, and would not have let me deal with them completely like I knew I had to. I had to literally lose my mind, go insane, and let out all my pain and anger in order to get out all the built up crap that I had let into me since I was a kid. I'm lucky enough to have been able to have done that now. I am very grateful that I was able to do this in my life.

And so I retreat from being a load bearer. I still care dearly about folks, and I still want to help when I can, but I come first, and that's not something I'm ever willing to compromise ever again. I've had about 20 years of practice in that field of feeling like I threw myself under the bus for others, and though I mastered it, I'm not interested in it any longer. Whether people will believe I bore incredible loads for them or not isn't as important as the fact that I believed I did. And when you care about well over 100 people and have a memory that can remember an immense amount of detail like mine can, it's hard for me to forget even the most seemingly insignificant things. "I can't believe you remembered that" was a common thing I've heard my whole life. Knowing all that info allowed me to get my degree in load bearing for other people, but then I realized that that is not what I want to do.

What I do want to do is be myself. That quiet and reserved kid who sits in plants all day drawing things and thinking about science. The kid who plays and builds things out of seemingly small things. The one who makes entire works of art out of beans. The kid who looks at leaves, really looks at them, and sees all the capillaries, the cells, and the intricate ways in which they carry and preserve water and vitamins to their very tips. The kid who looks at rocks and feels them and how strong they are, comparing the different strengths of rocks depending on size and weight. The kid who looks at stars and is awed that they twinkle, and that light even exists at all. The kid that understands that every bit of existence is made up of little particles all working in unison to create a structure so magnificent, a structure as complex and multifunctional as the human body. The one who notices ants and bugs walking across the street, or saves a drowning hornet in a ditch by some houses. The one that sits on the floor, takes pictures of flowers and trees, and giggles when the wind blows and the plants wave back. I am that kid again.

I've learned a ton in my short life. My life has been so intense and my lessons came fast and usually by force. It was also a choice, because even when I had the choice to not do something, I would still throw myself to the lions. I had to learn for me what it is I wanted out of my life. What I wanted was to be the kind of person I want to be with, and that I am.

I feel my soul all the time now as it never leaves me anymore, and I no longer travel to visit folks in my dreams. Instead, I dream about myself, the plants around me, and the calm life I now lead and want to continue. I have been through it all as they say, and nothing scares me. I know that this calm I feel is not a phase, and I'm intelligent and capable enough now to where I can legitimately say no to the pressures of others. Especially since I no longer have to rely on other adults for my own safety. It's good to have my soul again, to have the dreams I had as a kid back, and it's good to finally be able to confidently believe that my peace of mind is all mine, and that I can no longer load bear for anybody. Others need to figure their own lives out, and I'm not going to try and heal their pain or chase away their fears, they need to do that for themselves. Meanwhile, I'll be drawing, playing with bugs, swimming, learning more about all types of sciences, looking at stars, and always looking at trees and interacting with the natural world. It's who I am, who I've always been.