Patiently Observing

At times when I have nothing else to do, or when I have something on my mind that won't resolve itself within, I write. It's cathartic, it puts stuff out into the open, and it helps move me in a positive direction as I self reflect.

I spend a ton of time in my head. Actually, I'm getting better at mastering my own way of being. Where I spend all my time with my thoughts while also being completely present in what's going on around me. It's not 50-50 in my mind and being in society, because they are part of the same reality. This realization and integrating this idea into my life comes from years of hard work, meditation, a lifetime of travel, and always trusting my own self in knowing that my instinct is what is right for me. That means that despite a ton of mass society telling me otherwise, and despite how beneficial a ton of new scientific knowledge can be useful in the process of exploring myself, the only person who can ever know me fully is myself.

Those who have known me my whole life (i.e. my mother and grandma) and those who I've known their whole life (i.e. my siblings), know this about me, and I about them. This is something that has been learned and is respected in my family, one of the things we do not mess with. The conversations I have had with my mother and my grandma over the past year have forever enriched my life, and I may have never realized the wonderfulness and luck I have to be a member of my family had I not lived alone and had I not explored myself ever since I can remember, always given the freedom and respect to do so in my family regardless of age or experience.

I make decisions, and I deal with consequences. This is something that got drilled into me and my siblings since we were born. There is not much that is taboo in my family, but it is very clear from a young age that some decisions induce more unpleasant consequences, and if we are willing to pay the price, then the decision is all ours to make.

As I write and think about my family, I cannot separate who I am and who they are into very distinct lines like modern classification is so keen on doing. The more I ponder it, the more I think about what these divisions might look like, and then the more obscure, foreign, and illogical these divisions seem. That my family is constantly on my mind is an understatement, that we are always in each other's thoughts and actions despite the distance is closer to the truth.

I consider myself an animal. A sentient, conscious, living, breathing human animal. Of course any biologist would say that we are animals. However, for most folks, what defines an animal and a human will differ greatly depending on the person who defines it. I would also argue that a ton of modern science, including biology, does not really "believe" we are animals. That somehow we are more intelligent, better, or at least less stupid than animals. I don't think we would have lab rats and mice if we really believed we were animals. So let me try and define what being an animal means to me.

It means that I am part of the earth, a piece of all the different ecological happenings around me. I am just like the cockroach, the centipede, the deer, the fox, the wind, the sky, the ocean, and all the matter that exists on this planet. It means that I see no separation between my consciousness "indoors" and that of mine in "nature." It means that as I grow as a person, with more frequency I begin to do the things I would do in the "wild" without thinking about what others might think about me. This does mean I've had to face quite a bit of ridicule and shame and people thinking I was just too strange for them, but it also means that I've maintained the conviction and drive to stay true to myself, to build myself the way I want to build myself, and to be the me I want to be. It can be a very lonely existence at times, as it seems more and more folks become less keen into walking into the woods, and we construct a stronger and more imaginary separation between the natural world and us as we become more preoccupied with our so called modern "conveniences" that destroy the planet rapidly. I hope that will change soon, and there are signs that it will, so I am much less skeptical and cynical than I used to be.

Although I can participate as a member of "modern society" out of seeming necessity, I am happier walking into the woods and climbing some trees, sleeping on rocks and rolling around in the brush. Let me explain how I've come to realize how I've come to this realization about myself and been able to do this over the years.

I am very patient and observing, and also opportunistic, just like a monkey or ape ha ha. I will participate and go through the motions, not just that, but I will do them so well that it surprises people, like a chimp blowing away the expectations of the researchers studying them (can you tell Jane Goodall has been on my mind). My whole life I was in gifted and talented programs, put into special study programs for "smart" people, and all that jazz that comes with cordoning off people like me who others think will be great leaders or some shit, and trying to keep everyone else subservient and away from "great" minds like mine. I was always teacher's pet, and I always got away with things I actively messed up because I always "knew" better, and I was the kid with "potential."

But there was one "problem" that kept me from turning into a rhetoric filled robot later in life, I always liked to mix with those "lower potential" kids. They were the ones who laughed more, knew how to have fun, and since not a whole lot of people expected a lot out of them like they did me, they seemingly did whatever the hell they wanted. So it was this freedom that I envied. I came up with a way to fulfill this desire. I used my patience and knack for observation to develop intricate plans to "fuck things up." Looking back at it now, this destructive nature as a child was my way of fighting back the fact I was being categorized and placed into a system I didn't want to be in with all the other "smart" kids who were pressured into "doing something" with their life. It was me trying to break the bars of the cage I felt was being built around me. It is important to note that my mother was the one that put the least pressure on me. If it weren't for her ability to see me for that beautiful human animal I really am and allow me to breathe and explore myself, I may have fallen privy to becoming a social robot concerned with money and aloof ideals like the way in which I perceive most modern nationalistic political ideologies to be. She constantly found ways to put me into the natural world because she knew that that's where I was happiest. Camping trips, drives to caverns, finding a zoo program for me, even putting my in Boy Scouts when she knew I would be ridiculed at school were all executive decisions she made as a mother to ensure I had enough experiences as a young person to never forget who I was at my core. She always made sure the opportunity for me to be outdoors any time I felt like it was there.

Despite her decisions, I created intricate plans to break things and get a good laugh out. My poor cousins and those younger than me usually got the whoopings that I deserved. My mother could see right through this, so if my mom was around, you bet my ass I was one well behaved little fucker. My mother rarely ever spanked me, but she would use these experiences to teach me very hard lessons about consequences. Like take away my Nintendo, or not let me stay over at my cousin's house. As a child, these things were devastating.

So what does all of this mean to my adult life and why did I start writing this blog post? Because I'm learning how to balance the thoughts in my head in a more mature manner. I can no longer create slingshots to shoot at the neighbor's window, or get my cousins to throw a deflated ball at car windshields as they pass to scare the shit out of them. For things like that, I would get arrested, and the consequences of actions as such would be much more grave than they were for me as a child. I've had to find other ways to try and resist and escape the cages that we build around each other in this day and age. I have found a more experienced way to roam in my life.

What this does mean is that I have to for the most part deal with current social structures despite my scathing dissent for things like mind numbing television shows, plastic bottles, and disposable everything in the consumeristic takeover. If you don't overconsume, there is something wrong with you goes the modern day narrative. After all, you should have the choice to purchase a sugary drink that is all the same crap in different packages. This is a narrative I have never bought, and me with my meager bit of clothes and lifestyle, still feels like I use too much stuff and I constantly find creative ways to reuse the things I do have, and not buy any new crap I don't think I need fundamentally. This is why I have clothes I still wear since I was a child, why I am very careful with the things I do own, and why when I have a ton of money, I am more confused as to how to spend it than when I didn't have the money.

Yet since I am an adult now, there are other expectations that come. Although I can get away with a ton of "strange" behavior here because I'm a "foreigner," there is still a ton I want to do, but haven't found a way to yet. I didn't grow up with typical individualistic American ideals of "do what you want and screw everyone else." There is no manifest destiny in my mind. Instead, I grew up in a culture and family where your actions will always have an impact on those around you, so even if you really want to do something, you must think about how what you do will be interpreted by others around you. I've had to learn to live with keeping some of the thoughts in my head to myself in order to prevent a wild goose chase on me while at the same time being conscious that the robotic and repetitive things I do around others is so they don't think there is anything wrong with me to the point where they try to "fix" me and keep me from climbing trees or going into nature whenever the hell I want. Living on this secluded island next to the mountains has done wonders for my love for being in nature, and it has allowed me to build myself in nature with less of a scrutinizing eye.

I usually like to go out into the wilderness alone. Not because I think I'm a badass, but because I'm not a fan of talking when I'm exploring, and the silence is ten times more beautiful than any modern machine. In nature, you are just a part of everything. Not only can you realize your oneness with everything, you can actually be a part of all of that. After some time, and if you work hard to deconstruct all the assumptions that were made for you rather than constructing your own experiences, it no longer becomes a short lived meditative process where you go to the woods to get some "fresh air" and then later come back to "real" life. You begin to realize that what is out in nature beyond the square walls and urban jungles is something that cannot be separated from your core, from your essential animal nature, and all those memories, intuition, and instinct that your physical body has carried for millions of years are allowed to breathe in peace, to interact with the environment and greater being that we are all a part of. I sort of paraphrase and imitate Jane Goodall by saying that for those who have spent large parts of their life in the wilderness, this is just a given, I don't even need to write it down. Yet for those who sit behind a computer and never make the time to venture into the great outdoors because it seems otherly or even scary, this may be hard to grasp, or seem like something unattainable and on the realm of one of those "crazy hippie idealist" smut they like to feed us.

I usually go alone because I believe that everyone has different energy. The way I interact with being outdoors at times is very different from the way I see most people interact. They tend to change their manner and disposition, probably because it is a new world for them. Where climbing a high peak is something I do to explore and put my feet on the bare earth simply because it feels good, for many other folks, it is a trek, an adventure, an "I did it" kind of accomplishment, their successful navigation or conquering of the animal, plant, and bug world (which by the way has existed successfully for longer periods way before any of us). Taking this "trek" approach I think is very damaging to nature and to our minds. I think it is dangerous because it means that we are never free from the confines of the cages built around us, we never even allow ourselves to see mountains and forests as living breathing ecosystems we are a part of, but rather as things that will not protect you, that you must at times fight back, and that can be conquered so long as you can run back home with proof that you were there. We rarely challenge the construction of the bars of the cages that were built in our minds.

I go alone because when I hike, I am quieter than a mouse. I listen to the rustles all around me, looking at the minute details and searching for animals quietly. I would make an excellent hunter, and at a different time and different place, I'm sure my skill for detail in the woods would have been more valued. Most people have quite chaotic energies, while mine tends to remain calm in the wilderness. I feel more at peace in the silence of the woods than around many people in modern civilization.

I also go alone because I feel safer. I do a ton of things in the wild that would scare people for my own safety. Like climb high trees that look like they have twigs for branches and will break at any second. Or jump off jagged rocks into the ocean water naked. I sleep on rocks in secluded areas under trees, and I'm a fan of lying down in open meadows. I like to do all these things alone, because I hate to be told "be careful" or "you're really gonna do that?" when I do things that come naturally to me, skills that have been built over years, and I don't like having to justify my actions and seeming like I'm "just crazy" to those that are with me. That's why I prefer to go alone and feel safer, because I have spent a lifetime experiencing myself in nature and I know the capabilities and limits of my physical and mental energy. When I try to expand these limits, I do so incrementally and over time. So the "crazy" things I do like swim in the dark ocean alone and naked lit by a full moon is because I trust my instinct, I trust that I will be safe because I feel calm and safe. I was never taught to ignore my instinct or intuition, despite the modern secular scientific world I at times grudgingly resent having to be a part of. It would be one hell of an occurrence if the things that have been happening to my family and I our whole lives could be explained away without using spiritual and mental capabilities to make sense of these interesting experiences and thoughts in our lives. We usually keep quiet for fear of ridicule, and we've learned to know when to leave. We are experts in trusting our own instincts, and we don't believe in randomness or coincidence as much as our current society would like us to.

I'm growing up, learning how to stay quiet when I need to, learning how to hide in the woods better, learning how to allow my thoughts to flow freely in my head without having to be scrutinized by others. To exist in their own space, where they flourish and build incredible memories and beauty I cannot put into words. Where the entirety of the natural world exists within my body, undisturbed and protected by me. Where I begin to understand the deep connections we all have as existent beings, and where the purpose of my life isn't to gain awards and recognition and be this great saver or influencer of humanity, but where it is more important that I understand how to just be. When I start from there, I don't see people as stupid or annoying or as robots, but as fellow creatures, fellow existences that I share the earth with, and it gives me a bit of hope in a seemingly hopeless world. Despite the fact that I feel safest when I'm alone in the woods (although I am just as comfortable with my siblings around), the thing that keeps me coming back from the trees is that hope. I haven't given up fully on my species yet, and I like smiles and laughter and the simple things. And though I know that many people will become overwhelmed by all the bombardment of products and rules and imposed structures because of the times we live in, I tough it out for those rare glimpses of hope. The "maybe there is another way" thought processes, and the times when I can actually share a bit of my knowledge of nature and spirituality with those open minded enough to listen and take what they will, leave what they don't want, and explore for themselves their reality without trying to blockade mine. I am quite a gentle creature, but I am terrible at being caged. A bird in a cage is far less beautiful than that same bird flying over the lush forest skies. And even when I feel like simple words are caging me, I will seek refuge in the trees, refuge in my mind, and I hope that the targeted hunt will pass. I don't like to fight, but when I do it means I will use words to protect myself, to get those I don't want away from me, and to convince others that they don't want to be around me as a defense mechanism in my own self-preservation. I do this because I don't believe in physical violence, and I would rather use words to push people away from me than hit them or throw rocks at them or tell them I hate them or something. Realizing that this is how I handle conflict was a bitter pill to swallow, but now that I am aware of it, I can work with it, know what sets off my anger, and be cognizant enough to know when I must just leave or stop talking.

I worry about the health of our minds. I know that the stuff I've done in the past where I opened up to some folks about my thoughts and then just had them run away because what I said was way too much for them to handle and seemed off the wall was overwhelming for me and for them. Yet, if I cannot trust my thoughts and my way of being, what can I trust? Psychologists, doctors? So called experts who have not known me my whole life and whose expertise revolves on breaking down the being into composite sections and working on only one section at a time versus the way my family has brought me up to take your body and mind for all that it is and work with it as such. Yeah, I'm well aware that I am a bit much for a ton of people and it's not so much that they question my values and ideas, as much as they begin to question theirs. I've learned the hard way by burning a hell of a lot of bridges that for many people, I can be a huge mirror that can show you all the things you don't want to deal with. This is where I've learned to walk away, for my own protection. I've grown up now too, and I'm much better at knowing what I can and can't share about myself with others, my instinct is much more developed and has learned quite well how to maintain a nice balance within through trial and error. I may be younger than 30, but I've lived a life most folks only dream about, pushing all my mental and physical limits, allowing them to break at times and then rebuild them to grow and flourish. So for now, I spend a ton of time in the trees, pondering what it is I will do next with my life while enjoying the simplicity of simply being me in the interconnected natural world. Maybe one of these days someone besides my siblings and long time friends will be willing to climb up in the trees with me and we can share our perspectives, thoughts, and minds. We might have to find each other first, but that's no problem when you're always patiently observing.