Unapologetically Me

Today was an interesting day. Being back at work doing the "same old thing," but feeling really different after the SOGI course gave me some perspective, some more insight in to what it was I really learned.

I got to experience the living breathing human side of culture and society. I got to remember what it felt like to be me.

It gave me perspective because it also made me realize the importance of being myself. I get in trouble, I get in "trouble" a lot. People like me are very unapologetically themselves, and understand that the systems weren't built for them, and so they find ways around things. Then they become fearless, and then the risks become high, but the desire to give a shit becomes less.

I live for myself. That's never going to change. If I can't do that, then I'd miss out on so much this short short life has to offer. All that professional development, career building, working your fucking ass off, and following rules designed to inhibit your creativity. So much of it becomes meaningless if you lose yourself in the process. One thing I'm terrible at is ignoring my inner voices, ignoring what I really want, and more so ignoring my passions. I am loud, I am vibrant, I have this energy that is intense and for many people overwhelming. I laugh at the most inappropriate times, and I am usually always smiling, and cracking inappropriate jokes (I get it from my family). I have an insatiable zest for life and love, and I don't let the petty get in the way.

I can be intimidating because I am me. I am that person that the system tells to be quiet, tells us that we should be good citizens and contribute, but does not acknowledge us as people. I am the kind of person that others actively try to exploit for their knowledge, power, expertise, and energy, and rarely think that maybe, just maybe, it'd be nice for me to receive some energy and laughter in return.

I am that person that is so me, I come off as self absorbed when you first meet me, "too much" to handle, and like maybe you can't connect to me in the ways you thought. I have a very healthy amount of self love.

Then you spend time with me.

Then I quickly become that person you can't stop thinking about. That one who inspired you to laugh out loud and say fuck norms and demeanor. That person that makes you realize all the ways in which you are being oppressed, but also all the ways in which you can begin to break those chains. And most of the time, I do this by simply being myself. Of course, I am very humble about all of this (not).

My drive, my passion for learning, my appetite for knowledge, my genuine desire to make the world a less stupid place, my ability to adapt to most situations, is too much for people to handle a lot of the time. But I don't care.

Me being too much and not conforming in the ways you think I should, that says more about the social mores and norms that encompass your psyche than the free spirit and relatively care freeness that encompasses mine.

So here I am, back in this place full of so many unspoken norms and politics. So suffocating and inhibiting.

Yet I thrive. I'm like a weed. A weed that breaks through the concrete. A weed that you keep spraying pesticides on again and again and again. But I thrive. I break through the cracks, I sprout my tiny little leaves, and I push through the cement.

And I bloom. My flowers come out, and then you wonder why you ever tried to kill that weed in the first place. You contemplate why you allowed yourself to believe others that weeds are something that should be destroyed. You wonder why you ever assumed that having a colorless green lawn was something you thought you should aspire to. You are disappointed that you never questioned the messages society fed you and you believed them because that's what you are supposed to do.

You stare at that flower from the weed, and you just think: Wow, that weed sure didn't give up, and look at it now, being all beautiful and not giving a fuck.

So here I am, in a society that was not built for people like me. Not willing to let me shine, because they are used to their bland colors. They expect life to be miserable so that it can be over faster. And here I am showing them that life can be lived fully. It's not about being happy or "successful," life is about living, taking it all in. It really is that simple.