Enigmatic

A few years ago I was at a staff retreat in which we described each other openly. A past boss friend of mine described me as enigma. She said that was the word that would come to mind when she thought of me. I had no idea what enigma meant, and I sort of just nodded and then proceeded with the deep conversations we were all sharing in. It wasn't until a few years later that I actually looked up the word enigma and sort of just glanced over it, confused and slightly unimpressed.

Now I know what she saw and what she meant, well sort of. There's two ways to describe enigma according to the internets. One way is for enigma to mean puzzling, the other is inexplicable, perhaps they mean the same thing. When I first read this, I told myself I wasn't puzzling, and that it'd be rather easy for others to explain the kind of person I was, after all, if I could do it, then of course others could as well. This sense came from a deep conviction that I don't like to keep secrets and I try and put everything I feel out there, so the idea of being puzzling or inexplicable sort of escaped me in the identity I had built up within myself over the years.

Now I see what she meant. I can be very puzzling to people. Because I do things on very opposite ends of spectrums, and I do them so damn well. An example, I can talk for hours about anything, laugh and be funny and move around being jolly and extroverted. The next hour, I am extremely quiet, reserved, and contemplative without saying a word or moving much. Sometimes I can do both within a matter of hours, a matter of minutes even. So now I see how I can come off as puzzling or mysterious or perplexing to those who haven't known me for years on end.

I thought this tonight especially as I sat with some coworkers rather silent. It was like when I was little, I used to sit quietly for hours just listening to those around me talk. It's how I picked up language so well, it's how I knew a ton about life at a young age, and it's how I just liked to be. Quiet, reserved, listening. There was nothing wrong with me.

Yet, at the same time, had it been a different group of people, I may have been loud, jovial, and laughing my ass off while cracking jokes. There would have been no silence, and my voice may have filled all the empty moments.

I think this is what my past boss friend was hinting at. I could never be pinned into ends of spectrums, hell, I could never be put into any spectrum. Just when you thought the quiet kid was shy and never talked much, you find them screaming and being the life of the party. Just when you thought that guy who just talked and talked and talked for hours would never shut up, I go and stare at a painting, leaf, tree, or just sit quietly and not move. In other words, I rarely ever do what might be expected of me, or rather, I may do what is expected of me, then go right around and do something folks may never have thought I could or would do.

This is why I love working with so many students. The most worthwhile thing about being a teacher is letting kids like me know that they have a friend. Those quiet kids, or those disruptive kids, or those kids that have been deemed "less smart" than the others, or those "troubled" kids, those are the students that gravitate towards me and I towards them. I'm not particularly more gifted or skilled than the other teachers in "dealing" with them, I simply am them.

This is why those kiddos who supposedly suck at school will pay attention to me when I speak, they'll sit next to me without ever speaking a word because they know they don't need to because I know what they're going through without them having to tell me. This is why those kiddos who never smile light up when I see them, and this is why my heart flutters everytime I'm around students like this. All us wonderfully enigmatic beings may not be so good at following the masses, but we sure are good at sniffing each other out.

Language isn't all about spoken words. In fact, for me, spoken and written words are often irrelevant to how I communicate with others. I use my eyes, my presence, my nuances, small gestures, a shift of one finger, or one step in a certain direction to communicate what it is I am expressing. Most of the stuff that folks say is "instinctual" and that we just do because we do it, I am cognizant of so much of that, and I am conscious even while my body is moving subconsciously, fully aware of the movements in my mind before the words flow from my mouth. Years of self reflection, meditation, and continuous maintenance didn't just amount to nothing ha ha.

So yes, I remain enigmatic I suppose. But whereas I used to think that it was an issue that people just couldn't understand why I would do the things I do, I've come to realize that they don't have to, because I'm my own person and I'll do it anyway. Not to prove them wrong, or because I feel obligated, or because I can, or yadda yadda yadda, but because I'm me, and that's all I can ever be. I try to be less puzzling to others and I try to express what I'm thinking or feeling in the best ways I can without overwhelming them, and this is a delicate balance I've had to learn how to work with and maintain my whole life. There's a hell of a lot more going on in my head than most folks could ever dream up or imagine, but ultimately it's my imagination and thoughts that are mine and that I have to live with. Even though I may seem like an enigma at times, I more times than not know why I am doing the things I do. Rarely are my actions ever random, despite how seemingly random they may seem, and everything has a purpose. Enigma, yeah, I guess to a ton of folks I am quite enigmatic, but I am no longer a mystery to myself.