I started this blog post with a huge list of stuff I thought was important before I went for a visit back to see my family with the intention of finishing it up when I got back to Tsushima. Yet when I came back to Tsushima and let myself sort of dip back into the island, I realized that a few weeks with my family has changed me, enough at least to where the previous post just didn't feel right anymore.
I'm still not fully adjusted back to "old life on the Tsush," I don't think I ever will be. It's like when you have one of those really good experiences and it changes you forever. I'm still not sure how the experience of the visit back will play out in developing who I am of course, but I am sure that I feel different. I suppose I'm growing up now, learning to appreciate many of the things I used to maybe take for granted.
One of those things is my siblings. They're older now, and they have definitely matured. With the exception of my littlest sister, they all have quite the potty mouth. We're working on getting her to be more vulgar in her language use, we got her to say "suck my ass" and "fucked bitches make money." Even if she only said it because she was repeating her end of the telephone game, this is still progress.
If you've ever studied a bit about wolves, or any social animal really, then I think it's easier to understand my family. Every family is of course strange and weird and what not, but my family just tends to push that to another level most of the time. It's what gives us our wisdom, our perseverance, and our sense of adventure. The best packs are those that are not afraid to explore because they know they have each other. We work together as a unit, and we definitely participate in pack mentality.
I drove it into my heart this time around that I am not alone. Never ever, physically as much as mentally as much as spiritually. I feel my siblings, especially my brother, all the time. As I live my life, I know what they are feeling, what they may be doing, and their general mood. True to our nature, the health of one affects the health of all. It's a great feeling knowing that you have at least 4 other people (and parents/grandparents/extended family) that support you. They of course also have the courage to tear you a new asshole if you need one, that's another thing we specialize in. Ask my little sister, who is currently in the process of being torn apart to make her stronger in this life. She cries a whole lot less now when we bombard her with shit. Again, this is progress.
This holiday season was not defined by material goods, and I got to do what I wanted which was simply spending time with my giant family. Making my own money and not having to rely exclusively on a few people to drive me around everywhere of course played a huge part in my enjoyment as well. It felt good to take my family out to eat, to give them money for gas. It was also nice that my cousins were making a bit more money now too, and we could all go out together like adults. I knew this time would come, but being the eldest of everyone in my whole family including extended, these moments felt like I had been waiting for them for a lifetime. Funny how things played out too. The youngest cousins are the ones with the houses and cars and babies and significant others. I sort of just watch and enjoy, I've always been the kind of person that won't take any fruit from the basket until everyone else has been fed. Its just who I am. It felt really good to finally be able to take a bit of fruit from the basket, feeling like I had earned it, that it was the right time, and that there is still enough to share with others since I'm not the only one putting fresh fruit in the basket anymore. Having such a large and giving family definitely has its perks.
I will also say that this holiday season was the best one I've ever had in my life. Not because everything went to plan, but because I made no plans and everything turned out way better than I had ever expected. Like a dinner at my Grandma's house where all my cousins who work odd hours could all actually attend. Like my Dad telling me he's proud of me, and not just muffling it out of odd obligation but me actually feeling like he meant it from the heart. Like my family looking up to me, my godfather telling me I'm one of a kind. The laughter and sarcasm of my grandma, the crazy women I get my ridiculousness from. Gut splitting laughter is the norm when the two of us are together. There were many joyous tears and heaving ribs this visit.
This time felt different. I think I now know what it means to be an adult. I paid for things, I have a job in a far off land, I'm responsible, I set an example for the younger ones, and I provide what I can when I can for those I care deeply about. I felt nothing but love while I was visiting folks. All previous worries of crap that isn't important no longer existed for me, and my heart beams. In my family's eyes, I made it. To them I am a success in what I wanted to become/am. That's the real treasure I experienced. I think 2014 is gonna be one of those years that will mark my heart for as long as I live. What a year of powerful lessons it was.
No comments:
Post a Comment