Well, that illness wasn't the flu or a cold, it was a wonderful urethral infection. Being out of commission for a week or so has given me time to think, to contemplate, and so I write as usual.
I'm reaching an emotional wall again. It's a wall that comes back again and again, in many different forms no matter how may times I scale it. It's perhaps a wall of boredom, a wall with a thin veneer that always leaves me saying, there has to be more. Then when I find that more, I want to go back to it, and looking beyond or over the wall seems quite difficult.
In simple terms, I miss my family. This happens, this is not a new feeling for me. I've lived far from my family and for long periods of time, and I think that's the emotional wall I'm facing right now. On one hand, I love that my siblings don't need so much of me to be successful adults and most definitely don't need me to be telling them how to live their lives. On the other hand, I get incredibly lonely thinking about what we could be doing together, what we could learn from each other, and not to mention a humor all our own.
The day I went to the hospital to go get my pipes checked, I had to wait about 2 hours in the morning for my supervisor to come pick me up. In those two hours of waiting, I put my head back down on my pillow, unable to sleep much all night because of the pain. When my head made pillow contact, I teared up, and half an hour of tears came out. They came out hard. I never try to stop my tears anymore, I've found that crying is a part of life, and allowing them to flow helps you better deal not only with the pain, but what you will choose to do about the pain.
People who spend parts of their lives overseas away from family (one they love) know the pain of homesickness. I guess I'm feeling that pain right now. To add to that is the sheer boredom I feel. The "what the fuck is next" feeling deep inside. Honestly, I never had planned to do JET, it sort of just happened. And as grateful as I am for this experience and what it's taught me, now I'm like, ok, I gotta do something else. I've always been good at doing me, but it's not exactly easy to think of something to do next with someone who knows I am more than capable of doing whatever the hell I want, literally. I just have to do it. My attention to detail and quick wit ensures I am quite good at succeeding at things I really want to do, now I just gotta figure out what it is I wanna do.
I spend a ton of time in my dreams and thoughts. Lots. I create and dream up vivid storylines and fantasies when I'm trying to go to sleep. Rather than shove my face in couch cushions like I used to do when I was a kid, I now lay in bed wide awake for hours. And when I do fall asleep, I go into my dreams with the same aware spirit and lucidity as my vivid attention to life. I suppose I figure that if I don't take into account all the immense detail of everything, I might miss something beautiful. Rather than always looking for something beautiful and unattainable though, I see beauty in everything. Grains of sand, blades of grass, the sky, the sewing in clothes, fingernails, breathing patterns, gaits, quirks, the beating heart of everything.
This is the life I live, I am aware of so many things most folks may ignore. I've always been like that, ever since I can remember. My siblings and I share this quality, this overwhelming (for others) attention to detail and awe with seemingly simple things. Sometimes it is so immense that we seem numb, but I assure you, we are only experiencing, and to not lay back and enjoy will take away from the experience.
That's why I cried. I was getting sick of my life here. Go to work, come home, make food, repeat day after day. As much as I love my students, I know myself well, and I can only use others as an excuse to push through my boredom for so long. The travel has become predictable, I am no longer challenged by Japanese, and I really miss my siblings and having ridiculous adventures with them. I really do wonder what will be next. I know I want to learn another language, and maybe want to go back to school, work on a PhD. Those sound like good "do this next" goals. One thing for sure though is that those tears are telling me something, I gotta go do something more exciting for myself. We'll see what's next. I'm quite good at finding adventure and it loves to follow me. It's been a long while, I'm sure my old friend will show up soon, always does.
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