Living with Death

Getting older, and your body starts doing things it never did before, maybe giving in to things it was once able to deter so well for so long. Inevitably, we all die, some more soon that others, but we all do. I don't mean to sound so morbid, nor am I depressed. I'm just beginning to realize that with a life also comes a death. That's just the way it works.

My dick itch was a little concerning last night. I kept getting up to pee and my piss smelled quite strong, out of the ordinary. A whole hell of a lot of research from lots of sources and deep conversations with my body and organs brings me closer to the fact that bodies are temporary. Eventually we get recycled into the great abyss to serve different purposes. But how do these deeper more sober thoughts come to be in my mind?

It has a lot to do with I'm feeling less able to deter bacteria on my own. As your body ages, your defenses aren't as quick as they used to be. Add the stress of missing my family and being all out here on a remote island on my "lonesome" and it makes for a slightly more vulnerable immune system. I know my body well, and right now it is asking for help, for rest, and for comfort. All these things I need to give it.

I'm quite scared to be honest. My body has never felt like this before. The strong urges to pee and the thought that bacteria are making their way through my urinary tract and setting up shop rather terrifies me. I'm now more cognizant that the way my body is working now in regards to my urinary tract is changing.

I'm going to go to the doctor, hopefully see a urologist, tomorrow and hopefully try and confirm some of my suspicions, set up some sort of treatment plan. Because I know this feeling is not normal, and just giving me another antibiotic for a week will only do so much in the short term.

True to my nature though, I have used my experiences to educate myself. At first when I started studying biology, it seemed like it was sort of a general interest, something I could teach myself on the side while I focused on the other "real" work I was doing (I still have yet to figure out what that "real" work is). What I began to realize that the study of life is complex, complicated even more by the fact that we are living it, and that a few textbooks and websites and videos would not do justice to all the possibilities of what I could and want to learn.

I've begun to understand the myriad connections of the urinary tract system, and am incredibly cognizant of how all the other bodily systems work together and the impacts they can all have on each other. After all, the body is just one big interconnected system, it is us who has dissected it into many different systems as if treating one does not necessarily always involve the other. I've never believed that the body can be dissected as such, and this is probably my biggest critique of "modern" medicine. I've always taken the body as a whole and am aware that external factors can impact your body profoundly, sometimes without you even knowing the gravity of the impact. I have now made a list of symptoms, previous uti experience, and current aches and pains to talk about with the doctor tomorrow. All of this is in Japanese too (I'm good like that). My body is my body, and I don't let a trivial thing like language come between me and caring for my body.

The idea of vulnerable kidneys is a very real worry for me. There have been many people in my family that have had kidney problems. I think this is something I inherited too. I've always been extra careful about what I demand from my kidneys, and the past few years has meant I have improved my diet, no longer binge drink when stressed, and make sure I get enough exercise and sleep that I feel my body needs.

Perhaps the coolest thing I've learned about my body, and by extension others' as well, is that there is no instruction manual, no one way for all kind of thing. Our bodies are complex, very individualized, and a huge amount of factors influence how our bodies will progress and function throughout our lives. What's more, is that I feel like my great grandmother's and grandfather's spirit gets stronger inside of me as I age. I feel a connection to them more and more even though I never met my great grandma in waking life.

It's the fact that I know I have loved ones across the world that I know think about me that keep me strong. This idea that I am part of something is what gets me out of bed and to the doctor's office when I feel funny down there, rather than just hoping it will go away. It's also the being able to share my experiences and stories with others that makes me feel like indeed I can and do make a difference in this life. I don't pretend to be so tough anymore, if it hurts it hurts, and I process the pain. Many times we just want it to go away, but for me I take it as a lesson to be learned. Sometimes the most powerful lessons are the most painful. That's why now I'm even more interested in health and the body than I have ever been. I'm more aware of how what I am feeling has an immense power and realness all its own. And for a long time now, there is a huge part of me telling me to go into medicine. To do it my own way, with my own convictions, but to never let ego guide my actions. To share my life and pains with others in a way to help us heal and learn together. So despite the strange pains in my urinary tract and the not knowing exactly what might be wrong or what to do about it, I realize that healing and living are communal processes, things we sort of do and need to figure out together. Who knows, the doctors might tell me I'm perfectly fine, even though I know I'm not (this wouldn't be the first time that happens if it does).

I'm no longer afraid to be afraid. When I got the itch on my dick and thought that my uti might be coming back, I cried for a bit. I cried because I felt like i could not control the bacteria that has possibly found a way to get in there. I cried because I felt like they were unwelcome guests who were going into rooms of a house they clearly knew was off limits. But then I got my pain out, and I smiled. I smiled because I thought about the fact that I will die. Not from this uti, and probably not for a while, but it will happen. That gave me some comfort, because I knew that even though I am going to die someday, I am alive right now, and that is important. Profound actually. That put a smile on my face, that I could cry, feel pain, almost feel hopeless but not give up, and then keep breathing, keep living, keep experiencing, and continue to love my life. Even if my body is undergoing a sort of physical hump, it's more important that I never forget how to live, how to laugh, and how to feel and listen to my body. So I tell my body that we're going to be okay in one form or fashion. That's how I know that even though I can stare death right in the face as it becomes a more frequent visitor, I can also remember how to live my life at the same time, even with a changing body. That to me is really cool.