The House

There really is no single person that has made such a huge impact and still serves as a foundation for inspiration for me than my grandma. I've been thinking about my post-JET options a lot lately, even though I have at least a little over another year to go (or 2). But that's me, I plan for the future constantly, and the plans are always changing because they must also always take my changing emotions into consideration. But the process of planning and dreaming of possibilities keeps me grounded.

I read somewhere recently that you shouldn't do things for the prestige. Meaning that if and when you find your many passions, you don't necessarily need to be the best of the best in that field/discipline for it to mean something. Prestige is something other people collectively value as a society, what keeps you going and driven is more important than that.

It's been about a year since I started really focusing on the sciences again. It stemmed from having a rough time with my emotions last year, and when I finally did come through, I was intrigued to why and how all of that "mess" happened. So I dove into neuroscience, self taught myself a lot of the jargon and dense lingo that "smart" people like to use to gain prestige, and came up with many many hypotheses and ideas as to how my mind works. Then I came up against the reality of life. It is always changing, you are always adapting, and if you're doing it right, I would argue, you are always learning. Hence, diving back into the sciences helped me reconnect with my ever inquisitive spirit.

This desire to learn is very strong in me, and probably even stronger in my grandma. This is a woman who does not give up, but also understands that to accomplish anything, anything at all, takes a whole lot of patience and mass amounts of perseverance. My mom and grandma always taught me that nothing is impossible, you just gotta believe you can do it, and then go do it. Sure, you might be wrong and make terrible mistakes along the way, you'll probably piss off or shock a whole mess of people, but you keep learning. One of the things I absolutely love more than teaching, is learning. However, the two are not inseparable, and the relationship between student and teacher is more like the relationship of the heart to the brain. One cannot function well without the other, and they indeed influence each other in ways we are barely scratching the surface of knowing.

Not much of a surprise, I've been thinking a ton about going back to school to major in science. Something related to the heart and brain connection. I want to do this because it sort of bothers me that I can understand the broad concepts and importance of something as immense as neuroscience, but I don't have the tools or experience to, in other words the tedious mind laboring part, to aid me in being able to pose more detailed yet philosophical in nature questions about neuroscience in general. How to remedy that situation? Study a hell of a lot on my free time, and likely go back to school and do all the sciences I didn't seem to like so much in high school. I'll feel much better being able to philosophize and pose ideas after gaining a better background in the sciences.

I take a very different path in life most times. It would have been easy for me to finish high school, major in some branch of science, and become a doctor or technician or engineer or something. Yet, I felt like that's what was expected of me by society, especially since I was so "brilliant," my teachers loved me, and I show immense potential. I was in pretty much all the college prep advanced classes, and school was still too easy for me. That's probably why I didn't go for sciences right away after high school. I had a lot of self exploration to do first to bring me back to things I had loved but neglected for years because I didn't want to do what people told me, or rather I didn't want them to tell me what I was passionate about.

So I went the humanities route and got really good at that, and science and math classes became a distant memory over the years, or so I thought. Little did I realize then that I very much think like a "scientist." I am inquenchably curious, more answers always equals more questions, and I am incredibly detail oriented with a memory to match, and boy oh boy do I love to try things out and experiment. I am also always counting.

I can be quite frank and honest with myself now and say that a ton of my early college years were based on trying to figure out what the hell I wanted to do. Even when I got my Bachelor's and moved to San Francisco, I still was unsure what I wanted. Then I moved back to San Antonio, got my Master's, and still felt unsure. Surely, someone like me who always got A's in class and was no stranger to professor's praise, from many different disciplines mind you, and knew how to connect things from all sorts of areas of study, surely I should know by now what I "want to do" as they say.

But that idea is a trap. And I've been pulling myself out of that self and socially imposed hole for quite some time now. The constant "I have to be" this that or the other thoughts are practically non-existent in my mind anymore. It's amazing how much more free time for thinking you can make room for if you just stop thinking that you have to be anything other than yourself. Many of the voices in our heads are not exactly ours to begin with. You bet your ass socialization impacts your life daily.

Which brings me back to me, of course. I'm one hell of an intelligent guy, and I have a ton to be proud of and have accomplished a lot in my life. Yet, in my mind, all the things I've done and praise I've received are just kind of nice, nothing much else. I don't like learning because of the idea that one day, a day that'll never come, I will be satisfied with everything I need to know and somehow magically reach happiness as defined by any society. I like learning because it keeps me alive, keeps me thinking and thriving, and because I love the answers I get when I think "what if?" Which means that I am more than capable of becoming a teacher, a doctor, a principal, a this that and the other all within this lifetime. I just have to be willing to put in the time and the effort, but my passions run strong, and it is my dreams that keep them alive and will nudge me forcefully when I don't listen. My dreams can always give me focus when I'm feeling lost.

There's this young in spirit, old in body, woman I call my grandma. I find her amazing because we somehow seem to share a soul. I get along with that crazy woman like no other. This lady has so much knowledge to impart to others, but is wise enough to know that all the knowledge you will ever need will come from you living your life. She cannot give me her knowledge, she can only encourage me to keep learning. Ever since I can remember, my grandma has been a talented woman. There has never been a time when I didn't think "I wonder what new thing my grandma is learning now." When she was younger, she was able to dance and sing more, as an older woman now, her interests revolve around making house things. She is no feeble woman though, a few years ago she taught herself how to mix cement so she could make herself a new brick patio because she thought my grandpa was taking too long to help her. This "old lady" lifted everything, made it basically from scratch, and even had the doctor scold her telling her she shouldn't be lifting such heavy things. Yet she perseveres, and the patio is quite nice I might add. Making "house" things includes just about anything house related you can think of.

I look at my apartment now and I can see my grandmother's inspiration reflected in it all. The plants I care for, the detailed drawings on my wall, the way I organize, how I pay attention to color to make my room more appealing to me, and all the little knickknacks and stuff I have laying around that will one day become something more than pine cones or empty glass bottles. Throw any of them away, and I will notice. Just like my grandma would.

She's into crocheting at the moment. And not like look at this one pillow I made in the past year. No, I mean she makes pillows, blankets, scarves, socks, gloves, mittens, random shit, and a whole mess of stuff for distribution to others while having bags full of stuff she's made but hasn't found a home for yet. This is all within the past year too. Her house is dynamic, especially since my grandpa passed. The house breathes, is alive, and this one woman is able to fill her house with more than it can handle at times, and she has a huge house. Pretty much everything on display at my grandma's house was made by her. Those pinterest boards and home ideas from magazines, imagine a person who can do all of that by hand, and can do even more, while at the same time still learn new things and be ready to go on adventures with her grandchildren, and now you are close to understanding the way my grandma works.

This is the spirit I carry. Upon first look, it would seem that my grandma and I have different interests, but this is not the case. Our interests and the things we work at are very much influenced by our life experiences and our generation. But we both love to learn and love to make things, this we have always shared. Just because she doesn't have a 4 year degree (she has an associates she acquired a couple years ago by the way) and can't understand academic clutter mouth, and I still haven't learned how to sew as well as she can doesn't mean that her knowledge isn't passed down in some way. That is crucial for the both of us. For me, keeping future generations curious and innovative is crucial, and for her, making sure we always remember to keep at and do what we love is important.

Before my grandpa died, my grandma's house looked like there was junk all over the place. Yet she could catalog everything at any moment, and she only kept the house in such a rut because if she hadn't placed "junk" strategically, my grandpa would quickly throw away all that she had not realizing that she was about to use it, or at least thinking about how to use it. To him it was junk, they were a very eclectic and interesting pair. But now she has a work room, and there is less junk and more beauty made from junk in my grandma's house. Her house looks more and more amazing every time I go for a visit. There are huge picture frames with images she made, lampshades made of stained glass, vibrant colors, notebooks, no end to all sorts of quilts, bedding, pillows and the like. So many different plants for so many different things. This is only the stuff she has kept at her house, at least triple that amount has gone to others as gifts throughout the years. This is her art.

I am very similar in this respect, only my materials are different. My house is school, a more broad definition of school though, as in a place of learning. Of course, you can learn anywhere, so maybe my work room is school earth. That very likely seems to be the case going off of the places I've lived. Much like my grandma is always learning many different ways to make house decor, I am constantly learning so much about many disciplines. Like house decor, each discipline influences the other and a house is not a home unless it has soul, unless it has heart. My grandma uses her house as a whole to express who she is, I use my knowledge of various subjects to express who I am. I'm one smart dude after all.

You can't break down my grandma's house into one room being more important or beautiful than any other. Every single room and square inch of that woman's house serves a purpose, every room is different, yet without the others it becomes lonely and loses a lot of meaning. This is how I think of education, i.e. school earth for me. I can't for the life of me explore one room without keeping the other in mind. I can't study biology without thinking of art, or think of language without thinking of math, or educational policy without thinking of keeping dreams alive, or culinary arts without thinking of chemistry. They all bleed into one another, my interests and desires, and to chop them up and tell myself I have to focus on one more than the other in order to achieve prestige seems silly at best. If all these different areas of study represent my house, then I am the heart that keeps it alive. It will take time, but just like my grandma's house, working on and maintaining everything little by little adds up to a more beautiful collective whole than even your dreams could not foresee. I see no reason why I cannot spend my life studying many different things, teaching and learning from everyone who wants to share some time with me, and I can be many different amazing things, no prestige required. I only need my life, and my will to make things happen for me, no matter how small seeming. The rest just sort of works itself out somehow. I'm beginning to decorate my emotional house the way I like it, and more than being driven by the possibility of prestige from others, I am more proud of and driven by what I have and am making of this house.