The Nada

Typing up stuff on my new wooden desk with my much less tinier rubber tree plant on it. I do love the vibes of plants and plant based things. Had a pretty fun weekend hanging out on the neighboring island of Iki with some cool folks, talking lots of smack, eating lots of food, playing lots of video games, and cursing worse than a sailor.

When I was younger, I used to think, maybe even believe, that if I could just meditate good enough, I would achieve something great. As I got older and more experienced, I found this harder and more difficult to do. Less time to sit down, less time to relax, a seemingly huge amount of obligation and expectation to be this that or the other, mostly self imposed, but largely socially and culturally influenced. I never really "figured it out" or finished or anything close to an end, but instead I learned how to live my life. That wonderfully chaotic, sometimes dark, sometimes intense, but mainly just a rhythm of breathing in and out and responding to and becoming/being massive amounts of sensory information, kind of life.

I wonder about myself a lot, it's a way I've always tried to self improve, I always question myself, except when of course I don't, and I've learned really well how to go with and listen to my flow, which changes just as quickly as the weather on Tsushima can. So when I lay down for bed or for a short nap, I let things flow, and everything usually gets flushed out. That's when and where I go back to my favorite place, the nada as I now like to call it.

It's a mental space that's neither within nor external, sort of just everywhere. It is very dark and empty, but full of infinite potential for life's many nuances. It's a creative and destructive force, parts of the same thing, and a place where I don't think, I simply am and can be. When I'm there, it is much easier to wait, much easier to let things come to me, much easier to listen. These days I have very vivid imagery of plants, nature, and space. I have very vivid imagery of abstract, not directly put into language, sensations. I go places in my mind, in my body, in this universe. I do this by simply being. Since we are always moving within space on this blue marble throughout the solar system etc., sometimes it's just nice to enjoy the ride and see what happens. It's nice to not plan or think, sometimes to just be nothing at all. Not human, not dust, not air, not space, just nothing. That's the place in space that feels the safest to me. Where it is dark but full of life, calm, but extremely powerful, like a lion taking a midday nap.

I not only enjoy that place, I have learned how to always keep it near. It helps me live, helps me remember to keep my heart beating, reminds me that all the fun exquisite beauty of life is kinda just filler and doesn't always need to be taken too serious, and most definitely can and should often be played with. That it's not so much important that you make the right decisions, but that you stick to the ones you do make and learn from them. It's all the love all motherly figures can give all at once, it's everything by the fact that it is nothing. There are no clouds, there are no delusions, it is really at its finest, simple.

That's why I enjoyed closing my eyes so much when I was a kid and especially now as an adult too. When I close my eyes, I don't leave to another imaginary place. I simply remember and rediscover that place within me, and my relationship in space to it. I graph myself and remember my coordinates in the big hologram, and use that knowledge to decide what I want to create next. Then I do it, and learn from there. I love being there, I'm no longer a visitor, and I always enjoy having the nada to look forward to when I'm alone. It makes me who I am, helps guide me and understand that fear is not really a thing for me, and helps me be incredibly sensitive and receptive, which allows me to be that much more prescient and predictable. The nada is a place I like to be, because I am always there.