It's definitely been a while since I've written anything, very different from my former days of writing workshops and grad papers. I'm back in my tiny apartment now, and have much more space now that my giant brother has left. I wanted to use this quiet time to jot down some thoughts and ideas about whatever comes out of me, that's the best way to write sometimes I feel.
Having my brother here helped me learn a lot more about myself. It's usually not until after an experience that you start to fully appreciate what it has done to you. Although he just left like a day ago, I still felt like writing.
I'll never not be a big brother, that's very clear to me now. That's much of the reason why I love teaching young ones so much, they remind me of raising my siblings, back when they were all cute and little and excited about everything. Then they grow up, and their voice changes and so do their interests. They start to like people in that special way, they're able to talk about sex and love and relationships in their own way, and they get big. It's a bit surreal. I'm sure I sound like a mother writing out her thoughts, but I am a mother too. Despite the sass and sarcasm and wit, I have a huge nurturing spirit that runs deep within. If I am strict, it is because I care, my siblings know that, and my brother got to be reminded of that fact while here ha ha.
I know things change and we grow in this life, but knowing and experiencing can be quite different things. I'm really enjoying all the alone time I have these days to just sit and ponder. I don't feel much pressure to do much else except to experience my life and my thoughts for what they are.
I've lived and still live a very rich life. But now I feel I have much more wisdom. I can stay quiet and calm when I used to feel rushed and chaotic. My thoughts don't push me one way or the other, I listen to them and give them room to breathe within my body. I allow them space and acknowledge them and act on them if I see fit.
I can see how my mind has changed. I am more silent and contemplative. When I think now, words are no longer texts or concepts, they are now part of the audio symphony that creates the vivid imagery of my imagination. Language itself is a music to my soul, and I love the diversity of languages I can relate to.
I've become more of an artist these past few years, which is not something I was expecting at all to be honest. It just sort of happened, but then I realized that it was always there. But unlike an artist who must sell prints or works to feed themselves, my entire life is my art, my medium is existence, and even if I don't use it all, I am most definitely aware and grateful for its presence.
It's much more difficult for me to put my imagery into words these days too. I dream of emotions and experiences, things that are felt and that language has a hard time describing. Though it can be beautiful, language is not the only medium for expressing things. Speaking of which, I need to grab a pencil and paper, and a ruler and create some more magic with my hands.
I've also noticed how much more in tune with nature I am. Loving to be outdoors also runs deeply in my family, and I find it pretty cool that I live on such a beautiful and remote island. The silent air late at night when I dream is so nice. I love the hum of all the insects during the day as the heat rises, and the way the trees sway in the wind. There is too much beauty around me here that I don't really try to explain it in words anymore. There really is a lot of truth in the idea that you have to experience something for yourself in order to know.
I also have noticed that my attention to detail is striking. I've been told this before, but having my brother here really put things into perspective for me. I'm the kind of person than can spot a camouflaged deer standing completely still in dense forest. Or a single red leaf in a sea of green leaves. I enjoy patterns and my whole life I have played a counting game where tiny bits of stuff organize to make bigger and more complex stuff. So a tiny stick or a little feather that most folks will overlook will seem incredibly striking to me. They will pop out as if they were yelling at me, and the counting game starts again and I listen to my thoughts as my mind makes sense of all the connections around me. By counting game I mean that I like to count things in patterns of 6, my favorite number. Kanji, letters, leaves, lines on milk cartons, anything really, so long as I can somehow group them into 6. I always find a way, even if I have to make the rules more flexible sometimes.
Ever since I can remember, I loved counting to 6 in my head. And now that I am an adult and well studied, I can see how counting constantly has sharpened my mind. I tend to do complicated math problems in my my head. I don't like using calculators, mainly because I always feel I'll type in the wrong number, I trust my mental arithmetic skills over my physical input skills any day.
Now that I've had time to think about what counting means to me, I'm able to better understand how this pattern making has influenced who I am greatly. It is me. It is reflected in my art, my cooking, the way I clean, the way I stack things, the way I push buttons, the way I live, just about anything. Yet, I'm a lot less OCD than some folks though, because I can usually go with the flow of other people (like adapting to new mathematics), but I do have my quirks at times, ask my brother.
Which leaves me with a final thought of wanting to study plants in an "official" university setting. I've been studying plants my whole life, and raising many plants from seed and caring for them, watching them grow and mature, will teach even the most stubborn of souls great things about the earth. I want to study plants in university because I want to share with others what plants have shared with me. I want to use my meticulously detailed art to get folks to rethink ideas of chaos and nothingness and how life relates to that, and I also want to use math and science to help expand the concepts I want to further develop. Everything is connected and a part of everything else. Plants are an avenue that I've found useful for me and I just want to be able to share and express that in a "formal" capacity. Because not everyone can read my mind, so I'm finding methods of sharing the intense beauty I live, the everything contained within nothingness, and the potential of our wonderful minds. Plants help me remember that. A whole life of diverse experiences are starting to make a whole lot of sense to me now.
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