Day by day

I'm gonna try to pull out some positivity on what generally I have led myself to believe was a shitty situation. I read in a book recently that illness is an opportunity for self learning or something like that. Every illness of any kind I have ever had has been exactly that.

I had an allergy test done here, and turns out I'm allergic to Japanese Cedar. This is really sobering and disheartening news because that tree is like the most common tree here, and one of the things I love about Tsushima is the outdoors. I'm still trying to figure out how much this news will impact my life here, but it also seems like an appropriate sign that I am done with Tsushima, period.

So because I didn't know I had allergies I didn't pay attention much to dust or seasons for certain things outside. This year I did notice though that my breathing was a lot rougher at times. It would feel like I was breathing in a lot of dust, but no matter how clean I kept my house the sensation wouldn't go away. I didn't take it too serious, I thought it would go away on its own, and I had no idea it was related to being allergic to cedar.

So my brother came, I went outdoors as usual, but I started to notice the air really smelled dusty to me. To try and escape stuffiness, I would go outdoors and try to breathe in the forest, not fully understanding quite yet that the cedar was the cause. After a while, I realized the forest air did not feel clean to me anymore, so I blamed air pollution (which is also a very serious issue here), and went for a hike alone one day.

When I got back, I wasn't haven't life threatening trouble breathing, but I felt my sinuses were clogged, and my ears felt a ton of pressure. I had trouble sleeping, and the next day I went to the doctor because I felt miserable. By that time, my throat was quite red (I suppose I had gotten so used to the discomfort I could no longer feel it much), but I had no cough and wasn't super stuffy. My ears hurt a bit, but not much. He gave me some antibiotics and some phlegm inducing medicine, and I hoped they would help. I decided to get an allergy test done for good measure too, so they took my blood.

That week was quite busy for me. The Iki folks came for a visit and I didn't get much rest. Despite being a fun weekend, I was quite tired. I had also finished my dosage and was feeling a bit better as far as windpipes and throat were concerned. The ear pressure was still there, but I figured it'd go away on its own. Then the following weekend was Nagasaki orientation. Another really fun but exhausting weekend. Now that I look back on it, I realize that I wasn't being as kind to my body as I thought I was. So after a pretty busy but fun few days it was time to go back to Tsushima.

While at the airport waiting to board, I felt really hot, and knew I was about to get a fever. A few hours later, after getting a thermometer and some basic foodstuffs to feed my sick self, I was rolling around in bed with a high fever trying to cool it down. My head was on fire, I was alone, it was the middle of the night, and I was scared. It was one of the scariest feelings I have ever felt. Pain and sickness are so much easier to handle when you are not alone.

Went to the clinic the next day, the doctor was surprised at how nasty my throat had gotten, and they put me on an IV. I got some more medicines, bought a bunch of vegetables for a huge soup, and went home to rest. Had a lower fever the rest of the day, and woke up the next day tired, but without a fever. Small successes are what counts sometimes.

I was not happy about having to be on medicines, especially antibiotics, again. The other medicines made me drowsy and feel a bit nauseous. Considering I'm not used to any sort of strong substance in my bloodstream (once upon a time there was alcohol), they made me feel a bit meh. So the general meh of being sick with a throat infection plus the meh of the medicine made me quite anxious despite the fact that the medicines made me sleepy.

Because of the anxiety, I was having twitches before I went to sleep. Apparently they come at times of high stress and anxiety, both of which I was experiencing at the time. I was able to text my best friend at the most opportune of times and that calmed me down significantly.

But then it of course got me to thinking about why I was so overwhelmed with anxiety. I had my internal dialogue and the answer was quite complex. I have a lot of thoughts on my mind. I am incredibly homesick, I don't want to be on Tsushima anymore, I was/am terrified of being/getting sick, I'm worried about what I'll do when I finish JET, and my social life here consists of hanging out with one friend that I love dearly, but for someone who actually likes being social, this is torturous at times.

Then after all that anxiety and a few calm chants to soothe my throat and bring my energy back to a more "me" level, I realized that at this moment in time, there is not really anything I can do about it. The feeling that I want to quit, doesn't mean I will quit. I really, really, really, want to see my family and be sick with people who have known me my whole life. It is really challenging to take care of myself when I get sick, physically and mentally. If I do get sick again, I am quitting for sure, packing my bags and saying bye.

On the other hand, I realize I am/was quite responsible in many ways that contributed to my throat bullshit. The fact that I didn't go get an allergy test sooner. Or that I would go out on particularly smoggy days. Not to mention all the stress of traveling to and from this very inconvenient island, the stress of having my brother for 2 whole months, and the STRONG desire to not want to go back to work. All of that feeling of burden and undesired responsibility contributed to a bit of a compromised immune system which in many ways welcomed a something or other to infect my throat, and get a good grasp.

What I've learned though is that illness comes, it happens. Even to the seemingly so called healthy folk like myself. I've also learned that mental health is so important. I already knew this, but I suppose I had yet to really put it to the test. My diet is spectacular and I do all the right things you should do to feed yourself and exercise well, but my mind was not in it, and thus I was a bit weaker because of it. I've also realized that I don't have to be anybody but myself for the most part. I find all the Japanese pleasantries that go on in society nauseating at best, and I realize I do not want to be a part of that. It doesn't mean I have to be rude about it, but it does mean I'm not making the effort to apologize for the most trivial of things if I don't feel like it. It's beginning to dawn on me that Japan can be a very difficult culture to live in for someone as crass as myself. The orderliness and cleanliness come at a very high social cost, and it's one I'm no longer that willing to pay.

On the same note, there is not much I can do right right now to change my situation much. Even if I do decide to quit, it will still take time to get that all settled. Truth is, I feel miserable, I want to go home, but I've learned that stressing out brings some very undesirable health impacts. So at the same time that I give these thoughts their space, I also relax and calm my mind. I focus on the quiet I get here on Tsushima. Of the beautiful Fall weather where my apartment is the perfect temperature for napping. I try to get my mind off of work and all the things I really don't like that can overwhelm me if I let them. Those thoughts are always there, with more frequency now, but I try and do for the most part focus on the things I do like about Tsushima, more like having my own place. Like watching movies laying on the floor warm and cozy, making beans and having my place smell nice, going shopping for fresh vegetables and using my skills to create a really good meal. The various teas I have collected throughout the years, the warm brews that always bring me comfort. The quiet life of doing nothing, drinking tea, and enjoying sunny days (even if you now have to close your windows to avoid the nasty air).

I'm not sure how long this calm will last for me, but as I get older and especially when I get sick, I realize that it really is about life or death, or at least diminished quality of life. Yeah, so maybe I'm not doing everything I possibly can while I live here, but I like calm things. I find joy and excitement in a simple cup of good quality tea. I really enjoy staying home to chit chat and sleep. I think that if I didn't have to go to work 5 days out of the week, I'd be much more content. I've noticed that 5 day full time work thing has a very good tendency of tearing me apart. If I can write my own schedule and don't have to work 5 days a week for many hours, I am a much happier person, and my health will reflect that. The only other times I remember being really sick were when I had a full time job and was going to school, i.e. lots of stress.

I guess I'm learning the idea that health stems from a deep love for yourself. I suppose the fact that I don't want to be here and know I could be more useful doing anything else back home, dwindles my mental and physical health. But like I said, I'm looking for ways that I can pass the time, appreciate others here, and not take my job or life too seriously. Which means the anxiety has decreased overall in the past few weeks, the tea consumption has begun again, and the desire to force myself to always be genki has died, as it should. I still feel a bit off, a bit sick, and I am still scared that my infection won't clear up in a timely manner and it may be something more serious, or I'll catch something more serious, but I've realized that although I cannot necessarily change my work environment per se, I can change my attitude about it. There is a me that has learned my vulnerabilities about living here, has learned what I do and don't want to do, and there is a me who isn't afraid of saying no anymore. Us JETs have a tendency to be spread thin by well meaning communities, but I've learned the value of being a bit of a hermit when necessary. I don't have to always be a teacher, and now I feel comfortable enough being my own person around coworkers and students. It's a good chance to see how they respond to a more crass and honest me. I just can't fake the smiles and apologies anymore, at all, and so if I feel crappy, I will wallow and rest until my body and mood bounce back.

This is gonna be a rough next few months if I last that long, but I'm gonna try and make it my goal to do more nothing. More home stuff, more cooking, more teas, more movies, more small dinners. More time with myself since I don't have family here. Less time being outdoors and in public with my teacher mask. And hopefully these next 9 months or so will fly by, because I feel they need to so I can stay healthy, less anxious. For now, I'm gonna take it day by day, emotion by emotion. There's not much else I really feel I can do otherwise.