My previous blog post said I was going to try and cheer up, be more positive, and get through the rough months on Tsushima. But here I write from my sister's previous room of our house in San Antonio to sort of gather my thoughts and see what I can flush out and learn. Short story is I decided to leave Tsushima, quit my job, packed up, said my good byes and came back to Texas.
Now I'm here, switching between screens chatting and typing with my best friend at the same time. Knowing that she is now way closer and in the same time zone as me is really nice. I have missed her dearly. I've started to count my blessings too, and redefine what it means to live and be successful. Spending time with the family, moving back and forth as I have since I got back makes me realize that my family isn't only just humongous, it is also well connected. My Mom was showing me pictures of all sorts of relatives, people I all grew up with. There must have been more than 100 people, and to us it is just normal that we have a relationship with all of them. Mexicans are really good at staying connected to family no matter how ridiculously large it can get. We kind of pride ourselves on this fact.
I've applied for a grand total of 3 jobs since I've been back. No call backs yet, but I did apply less than a few days ago for all of them. It's kinda cool how now that I'm looking for a job that'll suit me, a handful of jobs are beginning to pop up ever so nicely that I can apply for. It reminds me of when I got my first car. I went to lot after lot and salesperson after salesperson, but then my stepdad's coworker just happened to be selling his car, and it was a perfect match for me. So I don't worry about playing the apply every damn place game, because I want and need a job that'll suit me, period. Which means it must involve the use of multiple languages, and something dealing with international relations. I can't settle or go into a job where my global experience and perspective aren't going to be put to use. That be a large waste of skill to be honest.
I'm also remembering how social I am. It's nice to talk to people, to smile and laugh with total strangers and good close friends. I'm very much coming out of the nightmare stage of my previous experience, and my mental health is making its way back to a more acceptable level for me. I'm much more relaxed, much more appreciative of all the little moments spent with those you love, and more hopeful that I am doing what is right for me.
My dreams have also been more and more vivid. And since my brain power is so strong, it seems my family's dreams and thoughts have become more vivid and deep as well. To say we are a well connected family is an understatement. We function more like cells in a body, where no single cell can do the work of all, but somehow always knows what they should be doing. It's nice to be back in that ebb and flow and be connected in that way. I feel like something is guiding me, and it's more stronger than it's ever been. It's me and not me at the same time, and works on its own time yet when I want it to. The wonderful paradoxes of life and reality. These are the things I ponder, these are the things that keep me sane and healthy. These are the things I need to be doing with my life. I think I'm there.
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