I Don't Apologize

Feeling in a bit of a slump in life right now. I've had 7 interviews thus far, one more interview on Monday, and no job offers as of yet, and have submitted close to 60 applications since April. To say this is a task is an understatement. Granted, I've only been applying to universities, one of the hardest places to get a job at, but nonetheless I've been feeling a bit frustrated.

However, I'm not depressed, and I know it's a temporary slump. I have to remind myself of that sometimes to keep me applying and optimistic that I'll get hired soon. On paper, it looks like I've fabricated my life experiences because I have so many diverse ones and I'm so young. In person, it seems like I'm very ambitious and talented, and people I think fear that because it makes them really deal with their own insecurities. I think for some folks I'm a reminder of all the things they could have done with their lives at such a young age if they hadn't made the decisions they've made. This is all hypothetical of course, maybe people just really don't think I'm a good fit for the job.

This has been the year of purging and restructuring. I have cut a lot of family ties that I used to once hold dear from a distance, and I have purged tons of relationships and my own insecurities in the process. Coming back to El Paso was a great idea. It gave me the closure I didn't know I was lacking. It made me redefine my family, think of them in a different light. It made me see them differently, and vice versa too I think. It made me cognizant of the fact that they prefer tiny dramas that don't matter over ambition and risk, and a false sense of security they've built to such a high standard that I am not allowed to question that without being ostracized.

I mean, how can I tell my grandparents I don't believe in god, never really have. I don't believe in the church either and I don't think lessons from the bible can be applied across the board to real life. How can I tell them I don't believe in heaven or an after life for that matter, and I don't think we were created from some mystical being in his image. That wouldn't fly well with them. But their god and beliefs are what their whole life, society, and sense of security has been built on, but they would never acknowledge it as such.

That's not the only thing though. I recently had a long conversation with a pill popping uncle who seemed to have heeded my advice in the moment, said blah blah blah. Then behind my back started telling folks I hated him. He's a compulsive liar, so people take it with a grain of salt, but I never said I hated him. It's a bigger issue of him being enabled by his family to continue being a piece of shit, while he can scapegoat others and continue being a large mass of blah. It's so fucking over with him.

I'm not gonna play the victim card and say that my family has hurt me and poor little me can't take it and it hurts and that's why I can't this that or the other. I've lived too much on my own and have had my own life to know better. It does kinda suck though to have this wonderful life away from home with such vivid memories and experiences, and not be able to share that with my family because 1) they're too self involved to ever care that what you've done with your life is amazing and 2) most of the time they just want a juicy story to throw you under the bus based on all their usually incorrect preconceived notions. They live in a bubble, and I kinda hate them for that sometimes. Luckily though, the younger generation seems to be doing better in my opinion, and they look at me as a role model. That's kinda nice. But as far as getting anyone older than me in this family to wise up and stop being so afraid of existence, well that's not so easy.

Coming back gave me a sobering reality. A reality that down to the core I don't live for my family, I live my life for me. It's what empowers me to do great things and to not have tunnel vision. My creativity shines and I flourish because I don't have a lot of role models and things are not black and white to me and I don't try to create drama within my family to keep myself busy and entertained. Recognizing that I am indeed my own person and not a whole lot like my family in lots of ways is a lesson I've learned well by coming back. I'm excited what the future holds for me, lots of great stuff indeed, and then I begin to realize that I create my own family everywhere I go. I'm incredibly self aware, and I find ways to make myself comfortable and loving everywhere I go. Yes, I'm intense and my ambition can be a little black holey for many folks, but I don't apologize for being who I am, and I don't apologize for who I want to become.