I Remember

I remember always wanting to live in New York City. It was a place that I had dreamt about, a place where I could get away from my desert birth town and away from the staunch Catholicism I had unsuccessfully attempted to be indoctrinated into. When I moved to London, I made some friends from New York, and the following summer, I moved to New York.

What I miss the most about New York is people not giving a shit, but also about there being so much to do. I miss that there are so many kinds of people and you see so many things that in order to not be overwhelmed, you learn how to instead just not give a shit. This is a radical departure from how I grew up and was raised, where there are rules and social norms for everything. I felt more like I was my own person in New York. People were weird, were different, didn't exactly give two fucks about who you were. That sensation was very liberating.

There were a lot of firsts for me in New York. My first guy kiss, my first sexual experiences, my first mutual crushes, my first trans friends, my first exploring my sexuality and finding the vocabulary to describe it. New York was an overwhelming place, but knowing that everyone else was just as overwhelmed made living there not only tolerable, but enjoyable.

I've always been a no frills kind of guy, and despite the opulence and crazy luxury that exists in New York, I always found the seedy corners, the dark ass pier at night, the dark buildings and questionable neighborhoods comforting. Much of the time, it felt like home. I felt more at home there than I ever did in my birth town. To be frank though, I usually feel more at home anywhere but my birth town. Don't get me wrong, the desert sun and mountains will always be a part of me, but I can do without the social interactions and visiting my family frequently. Over time I shed my ancestral impositions and in many ways actively forgot where I came from.

Now I'm in the awkward I have lots of free time and no job and have to think about my next big steps in life but don't really want to but am applying like a crazed person to lots of jobs anyway. In a strange weird way I miss being young, not having 2 degrees, and living in New York. I still had tons of student debt then, still had no real set goals, and it was still to early to have to start to think about career paths and shit like that. But now I do, and I remember New York. I'm glad I have so many wonderful memories to pull from to remember who I am. Maybe one of these days I'll go back, at least for a visit or two. I miss that place.