Catharsis

Haci como lo he dicho antes, escribo para sanar.

I have been to hell and back this week, and I am still very much in the healing process.

I didn't realize how much I had been coping with. Not living, not enjoying, literally just coping.

My life had been changing myself and retreating within entirely for protection, and to feel some sense of security, which I knew was a false sense at best.

Toxic environment, that's the best way I can explain it. Like being a clean river, a beautiful ocean, and others pumping oil into to you, telling you at the same time it is for your own good.

I decided I was going to leave that environment, and I was tired of being angry. Once I started feeling like someone was standing on my chest as soon as I entered that environment and no matter what I did to try and escape it, the intense tightness remained. I began to hate it there, hate it all. And I knew the problem wasn't me, and that you also can't burn out my fire with trying to use fire against me.

So in my calculating way, the way I used to do it as a child, I devised an escape plan. Those who know me, who really know who I am, know that feeling unsafe is something I am very well versed in, for better or worse. Having to escape a belligerent drunk father and ensure I didn't make him more belligerent, or having adults tell me to do things because it's what I was "supposed" to do, gave me some handy life skills for making sure I can maintain my sanity, and escape as needed.

I knew that as soon as I said I was leaving, they were going to hound me, one person was going to try to make my life a living hell. So I left as cleanly and swiftly as possible, and I got out with the intention never to return. I couldn't stop thinking, this is what escaping Stockholm syndrome must feel like. I felt all sorts of emotions, all at once, but the biggest one was relief.

My body still shakes every so often, and I've ensured that I stay social and hang out with my good friends more to keep me social as well as remind me that I'm pretty fucking awesome. When someone tries to break your spirits, it does a number on you, but when you can break free from that and grow from it, then it's a good (but super painful and hard) life lesson to have undergone.

The whole experience can be summed up in one word: petty.

So I decided I was done being manipulated, having my words being used against me, them telling me I was the problem without turning the mirrors onto themselves first, and them thinking that they could break me.

It's not "over" as it will take some time to heal and process, and be okay. But I know how to do self care, and talking about it openly, writing out how I'm feeling, being social with friends, and reconnecting to my personal and deep relationships I have is a step in the right direction.

The nicest part is knowing that I'm going to be okay, I'm a survivor, and that after it's all said and done, I'm gonna be a stronger person because of it and more me than I have ever been. Here's looking to the future and staying hopeful and knowledgeable that it'll hold great things for me. Life is too short, and life is for living.