Comfort in not knowing

I quit my job in late November. Right after Indigenous Massacre Day, or as a friend put it Thanksfortaking Day.

I'm once again in a spot where I have not much of a clue of what comes next, who I will meet, or what types of opportunities will present themselves. I do however feel very different this time.

I feel that it was time for a change for me, and I'm finally comfortable enough to pursue this change without telling myself that I need to be "financially stable" or need to do the same shit I'd been doing (office jobs) to somehow magically "make it" and be more "successful." This time I've come to realize how this "successful" culture in the U.S. (and other places) is actually toxic and mentally degrading, and is built off oppressing others in order to relinquish capital and hoard it for yourself. The whole "if I don't take it first, someone else will" mentality which prevails so heavily in the U.S., yeah I'm kinda over it.

This time though, I feel like I've FINALLY broken away from this. I've finally come to worry less about work and finding a job, and using this free "time off" to reevaluate what it is I ACTUALLY want to do, and the main reason I want to do it: for myself.

I'm giving my body the opportunity to speak to my mind again, to understand that the path I had before of the bureaucracy and trying to fit into the capitalist model of success and being scared that not having a job with all these "benefits" means I haven't "made it," yeah, all of those thoughts are being purged. And the best part about it is I'm not necessarily actively trying to push those thoughts out and consciously getting stressed about it. It means I just let my body process the emotions and lingering stress (from over many years), and do things like take long walks, drink some coffee, allow myself to just think and be creative, and leave my mind open to opportunities and ideas of what I'd like to do next.

I do know for sure that plants are for me. So everything else will revolve around that idea. I'm done not working with plants on a regular basis. I need nature as much as it needs me, so this is the main goal, the main objective, the main focus moving forward. How I accomplish this, and how this plays out will very much be a quintessentially Ainan carve your own path kind of thing, but this is the goal, and I'm making decisions that forward this goal.

I've found comfort and solace in not knowing because I've learned to appreciate the simple things in life. No health insurance? Well I eat LOTS of fruits and veggies, exercise a lot, and maintain a very low level of stress, if at all, and that is my medicine for now. Since I don't have any chronic illnesses or children or things like that, I'll be okay without health insurance from an employer where you have to sit on your ass for large parts of the day which increases your chances of sickness anyway.

I finally feel at peace that I've decided I wanted to leave the system, want to stay away from higher ed office jobs and politics (and only work in a consulting role or loose professorship if I ever enter "higher" ed again), and that my learning is now going to come more from life and passionate, knowledgeable people versus prescribed knowledge systems based on bureaucracy and hierarchies. A bureaucracy managed by idiots more concerned with self preservation, receiving meaningless accolades, and building excessive amounts of capital than they are concerned with actual learning and teaching people how to grow into themselves better.

It's amazing how much like plants we are, and how much learning and teaching are exactly like caring for plants. When you nurture and respect, and allow the plant to flourish as who they are, they amaze you with their beauty. If you prescribe their growth and force them to grow one way, then you get a bunch of cookie cutter plants that are significantly less nutritious, don't taste good, and don't inspire art and beauty. Thinking in this way is much less metaphorical for me, and is more literally how I think about people interactions.

So I don't want to be part of that problematic system anymore, and I don't want to buy into the idea that I can go into the system and "make it" work for people like me when those systems were inherently build to actively exclude and oppress people like me. I am not a martyr, and I do not work with rage and anger, nor do I fight fire with fire (that's insane). And with that realization, there is an inherent freedom and knowing that now I can step away from the worry and fear or not being "successful" because that definition of success was never for me anyway. I will still be successful in my own way (and I already feel like I am), and I know moving forward I am going to be much much happier because I finally can recognize that any pressure or worry to "be successful" is all side chatter that is not coming from me, and so I can focus on myself again. The best relationship I have is the one I have with myself. I'm excited about expanding this relationship with myself moving forward, and walking into one of the experiences I know the best: continuing to grow as a person.