Hasta el final

Hasta que yo te quiera, que quieres que te cante

The tunes playing in my head and out of my speakers, taking me back to all those memories, finally able to take that ride without it almost crippling me.

Those were some intense times on that remote island. Listening to that music, connecting to a long lost friend that I consciously severed ties with to protect my emotions, to keep me from spiraling further into a black pit within myself.

Reminds me of the night I lay on the floor, music blasting, and I could not move. I physically could not get up. There was no voice inside telling me to get up, no conscious effort to move my body. I just lay there, feeling paralyzed, and all was dark inside. I just felt like Venus as a boy, but unable to move

The rollercoaster that was those months, crazy, fucking crazy emotions. Deep inner demons all coming out at once, and I just lay there on the floor as the darkness consumed.

That song always brings me back to that moment of despair. Now I am proud of it however, thriving because of it. A cold frost that does not kill the garden only makes it stronger. That's what happened. those cold dark nights, surrounded by nature, practically camping in the woods all day even when I slept in my apartment. I never knew a deep depressing loneliness until then. I thought my childhood was hard, but that was the worse I had ever felt in my life, and that says something.

I can't say that it'll never happen again, but I can say that I survived. Mental anguish, the release of all my fucked up emotions I held as a kid and well into adulthood just surfaced. The final bleeding out, the leech exploded. I've been through a ton, and there's very little that terrifies me. That night, the terror held me on the floor, immobile, could not move, and feeling like my last breath would just give up on me and walk out of my body forever.

Yet, here I am, thriving, despite that hard hard time. There was a calming beauty to all that fear and acceptance at the same time. I found a silent peace that night. I found a darkness that is powerful and fearless. I found my fire that was not burning because it didn't have to. I learned what nothingness really meant, what deepness holds in my heart, and a new found appreciation that I was starting my life on my terms from then on.

The doorbell rang, and I could get up to pay the dumbass upstairs neighbor those damn apartment fees he'd always collect two months late. I was never the same after that. Since then I have been able to pick myself up, my Catholic ingrained shame died, and I gave less of a fuck about everything moving forward. I realized life was going to be too short to give a shit about all the stupid shit we can worry about, and my darkness permeated and persisted. I am still dark, full of empty and nothingness. I am still in that dark space going through life. But that space is more powerful than any light I've ever known, more creative than the act of sperm inserting itself into an egg, and a part of something that I am connected to whether I want to acknowledge it or not.

So I listen to the song, and the heartbreak and depression is all still there. It's different now though, my body has learned to deal with it. It has adapted and grown from it. The hurricane has passed, and the trees have grown back stronger than ever. The roots are deeper. More hurricanes may come, but in order to have an impact, they'll have to be stronger than the one I went through. More powerful than anyone can imagine, more potent than most people could ever handle. You live through disaster, and it changes you. My body is stronger, mind more sound, and now all those harsh memories are just that: memories, and I am forever grateful for them.