Transition

Life is full of transitions. It's been a while since I wrote here, and as I type I realize it's just what I needed. I'm going to move to my own place in a few weeks. It's going to be an expensive box, but at least I'll be able to reflect a bit more.

It means I'll be able to focus a bit more on myself, my favorite thing to do. As that star I'm so used to staring at shimmers in tons of different colors, I think about the natural world and my understanding of my place in it.

I'm not the kind of person that believes that everything happens for a reason. Rather, I understand that everything is connected, and sometimes I don't know how, but it's important to not dwell on it too much. Enough to satisfy your curiosity for the moment, and then move on. Obsessing over any one thing is never something I've been very good at.

We've been having quite a few crazy parties as of late in our house, and the summer drunk weekends are in full swing. While I do enjoy this short break before I start to become the focused academic I am again, this short break has allowed me to reflect and ponder of where I'm at in my life, what I want to do, and where I want to go.

The answer to those thoughts are I have no idea. I never have, likely never will. It'm my capacity to adapt and let go that has allowed me to experience so much more than I had dreamt up for myself. Life is now just like one big dream, and I learn lots of things on the way.

My emotions are just that. In many ways, they are tangible. Not so much like I can touch them with my hands, but in the sense that I feel them pulsate through my whole body as they come. Giving them the space to breathe and to inhabit my body is likely one of the most mature life lessons I have ever learned.

My counselor that I recently went to asked me if I ever got angry. I thought for a few seconds, and was like no actually. I have been angry before, I know that feeling very well. I carried it with me all of my childhood and well into my adult life. It's easy to blame others for your anger and to give into it and let it take over, especially if you have no choice, say for example like being a young child... But I don't experience anger the way I used to, and my physiological response to anger is much calmer than most. My reasoning is that strong negative emotions really wreak havoc on your body, so it's important to acknowledge them as they come and work through them, but to give in to them wholesale and treat them like they are the only emotions that are valid is very shortsighted and a bit dumb if you ask me.

My years on this planet and my life experiences have taught me that anger is just like any other emotion. You give it the space to breathe, you feel it, and you look at the bigger picture at what might be causing it. Like many emotions, anger is its strongest when you feel you've lost your sense of control, your autonomy to discuss with your body how it's feeling, and the ability to reflect before you act.

As the rut of my job, housing, bills, etc. sort of starts to create a stalemate, I start to sit and reflect about what might be next. It doesn't have to be a huge drastic life change like I'm so used to, but I know something will change. It's a bit ridiculous to think that I'm going to be the same person for long. I learn things to fast, and I am an excellent networker. I go with the wind, and I live my life uncaged. Something else is surely calling now, I can hear it. I just need to spend the time to listen more attentively, to start setting out on my next adventure. After all, I'm a nomad at heart, and at least that's one thing about me I know will never change. My sense of peace doesn't come from knowing what comes next, my peace of mind comes from knowing that what's next comes from a limitless amount of possibilities. You are never too old to jump into the water.

I'm still learning about myself, and that learning is going to be a lifelong process, but I feel like I'm on the right path for me. It's incredible how your body will talk to and guide you as long as you learn to listen.

And with that, I think I typed out what I wanted to say.